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my wife does not get it

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  • my wife does not get it

    After about 4 years of marriage I confessed that I always was a little bothered by having been circumcised without my consent. Mind you I live in Mexico and circumcision is very rare. So the ladies I have been with before i got married always commented that it looks weird like something is missing, and worse yet they compared me to other lovers.

    So then I met someone great and we got married. She also thought it was weird looking at first, but did not make a big deal of it. But it got me thinking that maybe I'm not normal looking. So a few years ago I heard about restoration. I spoke to my wife, she just said she does not care. "It's just a useless flap of skin anyway."

    I tried to explain that I'm not sure that is really true. I told her I wanted to restore. She said why? What difference will it make? Won't it be painful? I tried to answer the best I could but she was not seeing the potential benefit to her. So I told here it might be a benefit to me.

    So I thought great, I'll get started. One year later there was some small growth in skin. She says she feels nothing different. I can feel a little more sensitivity which I was excited about. Then she said why don't you stop now, you accomplished your goal. I said no I haven't. She said it is taking too long and we won't know the end result too, maybe it is unrealistic. I said, maybe but I need to try to know for sure even it's a few years, and I felt encouraged about making some progress.

    Then I heard recently that she told her sister what I was doing. I felt that this should have stayed private. Now I don't know who in the family is laughing at me. That's not fair because I came from a culture that circumcised. I feel very ridiculed, and now it has affected our sex life, meaning we stopped having sex and the marriage itself may be in jeopardy. Seems like such an overreaction. Had I known a few years ago this would be the result I would have just dropped the whole thing. Not sure what my next step should be.

  • #2
    Really sorry to hear that, man.

    Honestly, I think your only decent option is to have a sit down with her, and (again) impress upon her how important and sensitive this issue is to you, and why. After that, I'd ask her a question: "how is me restoring having a negative impact on you? What is it that you're trying to prevent?" She seems to have such an issue with it, so ask her what her issue is. If restoring makes you happy, and doesn't harm her in any way...what's the big deal?
    It sounds like she needs to see things from your perspective, rather than just her own.

    If you can get everything worked out as far as her accepting your decision, then I'd address the issue of privacy. Save that issue last.

    I'm sure as hell not going to tell someone to end a relationship, only you can make that call, but I hope this offers some kind of help...
    Best of luck. I hope things work out for you.

    Comment


    • #3
      The best thing to do is educate her and show her its NOT just a useless flap of skin. Go to YouTube and watch a video called "Elephant in the Hospital " it goes over EVERYTHING and backs it all up with truthful evidence. You come from a culture in Mexico that circumcises? I thought Mexico didn't do that.

      Comment


      • #4
        WHY are you ALWAYS such an asshole?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by parsecskin View Post
          WHY are you ALWAYS such an asshole?
          Why are you being a limited-focus, knee-jerking name-caller? What's wrong with you? I gave potentially healing advice. You, you gave the ignorant koolaid.

          I read what OPs post, and I look at the core of it. I have to assume that you feel embarrassed that you didn't.

          You, for the most part, only pass on the usual crap on this forum. And ... name calling. No surprise there, it's that same old response from the ignorant on the run (you'd think you would've learned this at this late date. You like looking ignorant?).

          So my question to you is, why can't you see what's in front of you, and work with that? Why can't you see the HUMAN aspect of it? The IMMEDIATE aspect of it.

          The OP is a human being, not a potential placard waving, red-crotched, self-limiting "agent" in YOUR vendetta. Lose the ego, ace. Are you that far up in your head? Has no one taught you who you are in the world? Don't you have any experience (let alone training) in this life?

          You can be more effective here; I've seen you do it. Try; open up, and try.

          Comment


          • #6
            I think you need to take your own advice to heart. Just don't be so belittling and condescending. There are ways to convey the same message without being so abrasive. Use some tact. Lose the attitude.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by samual View Post
              After about 4 years of marriage I confessed that I always was a little bothered by having been circumcised without my consent. Mind you I live in Mexico and circumcision is very rare. So the ladies I have been with before i got married always commented that it looks weird like something is missing, and worse yet they compared me to other lovers.

              So then I met someone great and we got married. She also thought it was weird looking at first, but did not make a big deal of it. But it got me thinking that maybe I'm not normal looking. So a few years ago I heard about restoration. I spoke to my wife, she just said she does not care. "It's just a useless flap of skin anyway."

              I tried to explain that I'm not sure that is really true. I told her I wanted to restore. She said why? What difference will it make? Won't it be painful? I tried to answer the best I could but she was not seeing the potential benefit to her. So I told here it might be a benefit to me.

              So I thought great, I'll get started. One year later there was some small growth in skin. She says she feels nothing different. I can feel a little more sensitivity which I was excited about. Then she said why don't you stop now, you accomplished your goal. I said no I haven't. She said it is taking too long and we won't know the end result too, maybe it is unrealistic. I said, maybe but I need to try to know for sure even it's a few years, and I felt encouraged about making some progress.

              Then I heard recently that she told her sister what I was doing. I felt that this should have stayed private. Now I don't know who in the family is laughing at me. That's not fair because I came from a culture that circumcised. I feel very ridiculed, and now it has affected our sex life, meaning we stopped having sex and the marriage itself may be in jeopardy. Seems like such an overreaction. Had I known a few years ago this would be the result I would have just dropped the whole thing. Not sure what my next step should be.
              Thanks for sharing your story with us. Sorry that restoring has brought you to this predicament.

              Regarding restoring, I can testify that it is very worthwhile. I hope you find a method that calls for a low amount of disruption to your life so you can keep at it.

              Most importantly, about your wife: I wouldn't worry so much about whether she gets it. Lots of men don't get it. Imagine how much harder for someone with different anatomy to appreciate the difference that slack skin and glans protection can make. It's YOUR body and your decision.

              THE MAIN THING: If you are to stay married you must communicate better. You and your wife must "have each others' backs" (which may be a bit idiomatic if English is not your first language). She should not be using something that she sees as a vulnerability of yours as a means to keep a gossipy conversation interesting. She should be your strongest protector. In my opinion you absolutely must communicate to her the severity of that betrayal, and if you are to stay together she must sincerely apologize. This doesn't have to involve any expressions of anger.

              And as far as her friends and family laughing about you restoring; that says nothing about you except that you harmed, and that you are clever and tenacious enough to put things right. What it says about their lack of compassion is quite damning. In my opinion you should end the mystery by bringing it up with every single person who may or may not have been told by your wife (or by someone that the person she told might have told). Explain that once you learn more details about how normal genitals work, living without the normal amount of slack skin is not an option. Every person has a right to fullest sexual experience possible. We get just this one life, and anyone who doesn't pursue all the joy life offers is the one we should have sympathy for.
              -Ron Low
              Service@TLCTugger.com
              847 414-1692 Chicago

              Comment


              • #8
                Communication is not as easy as it may seem. We can always learn and become better. I highly recommend the book, Crucial Conversations. It is all about how to discuss things that are not easy to discuss.

                Best wishes

                Comment


                • #9
                  The main issue here isn't whether she 'gets it' or not. My wife doesn't get it, but it doesn't stop me from restoring.

                  However, if she told her friends/family about my restoration, especially for a laugh, I would be deeply upset. It is something very personal to me. It would be a complete betrayal of trust, trust is a big part of what my relationship is built upon.

                  You really really need to speak with her about this situation and how it has made you feel.

                  Good luck.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by parsecskin View Post
                    I think you need to take your own advice to heart. Just don't be so belittling and condescending. There are ways to convey the same message without being so abrasive. Use some tact. Lose the attitude.
                    The OP received some decent replies. Six of us here saw the issue as one of communication between partners. You didn't. You wanted "education" about "foreskins", as though it was the main issue, rather than the same tired canned reply, and as though that would do anything other than potentially fan flames between the two partners, and strain an already possibly strained relationship. I wonder if you understand this.

                    Six of us, vs one. Yet you're calling me on my attitude. Do you really think your knee-jerk and name calling was helpful? Read the replies again, then read yours.. You didn't see the more immediate, the more REAL, issues here. It's time you back away from your own personal angst (which we all know you have big time)(and unless it's in the Grief subsection), and just respond to the OP's issues and questions. Not through the filter of your issues. Do you see the difference?

                    I see the real issue in the OP's post as making stuff up in your head out of an anxiety (over image, it sounds like). Being irked that his wife "shared" something outside the relationship is a legit complaint, in my opinion, but what did I say about it? It happens; it's actually not that uncommon. You can talk about it, but move on. EVERYTHING else the OP is worried about, hasn't happened yet. It may never happen. It was, therefore, MADE UP. THAT'S where this thing pivots, and it has nothing to do with "foreskins". Do you really think that a marriage is an intactivist arena?

                    Now, you aren't the only one on this forum, or even in this thread, who's ready to blame, sadly, and that blaming is a reflex which comes from looking at everything through the limited filter of a restoration forum attitude. Your attitude, actually. The word's larger than that. This wasn't about that. It's really almost never about that.

                    And needless to say, if you think what I wrote was in opposition to what you posted (and the laws of Man and Nature lol), then communicate that like an adult who has something to say (assuming that you do), rather than immediately calling somebody a name, like someone who doesn't have anything to say, other than the forum canned response. So far you haven't. At least be informative, give the OP, and the membership, substantive observations on why you are opposed to what I (and 5 others) had to say. That's discussion. Don't call names. You diminish yourself in doing that, especially if it's your go-to, your first response.

                    Lose THAT attitude; it's way too "internet troll".
                    Last edited by Reality; 01-16-2018, 08:33 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      My point exactly.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I think you may be overthinking it a little bit and giving into anxiety some. First off don't worry about what other people think about you restoring your foreskin, it's not their problem and it really shouldn't have been your problem either (but children can't choose to get cut or not). I would really doubt that your wife would want to end the marriage just because you are restoring so maybe look at underlying issues you may have with one another? I'm not a relationship expert so I can't be of much help but you shouldn't get divorced over a "useless flap of skin" in my opinion. Is your restoring time cutting into time that should be spent on other things? or somehow "being in the way" in day to day life? Do you talk about restoring to your wife all the time? I'm not saying that you should tug in secrecy but if you are centering around tugging as your main hobby and conversation point then maybe you should reel it back and "fly under the radar" so to speak, just keep it to yourself and maybe your wife will not even notice until one day you get into bed and she notices you have a full on anteater lol.

                        but in all seriousness I hope I helped in someway or gave you somethings to think about but like I said I don't have a very good understanding of relationships but I tried.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You could in fact use her own words to get back to her. If she says it’s super slow and she doesn’t feel any difference then why should she care? If at some point one of you two would not like where progress takes you then you can still stop at that point, right? My previous girlfriend also didn’t want me to restore, but what they don’t realise is how getting restored also changes the mind set and makes one feel more complete. I can understand that women don’t typically have any clue what it is about, but it’s your body, your rights. For me just comparing a picture of an intact and a circumcised glans tells the whole story, but my ex didn’t even want to look at one when I told her that. She was convinced it was cleaner to be circumcised, as she had seen both as a nurse and liked much more to have to wash guys that were circumcised...
                          There’s no better feeling in the world than the warm embrace of your foreskin, so KOT!

                          Progress gallery @ https://foreskinrestoration.vbulleti...s-report-tlc-x

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by BelgianChris View Post
                            You could in fact use her own words to get back to her. If she says it’s super slow and she doesn’t feel any difference then why should she care? If at some point one of you two would not like where progress takes you then you can still stop at that point, right? My previous girlfriend also didn’t want me to restore, but what they don’t realise is how getting restored also changes the mind set and makes one feel more complete. I can understand that women don’t typically have any clue what it is about, but it’s your body, your rights. For me just comparing a picture of an intact and a circumcised glans tells the whole story, but my ex didn’t even want to look at one when I told her that. She was convinced it was cleaner to be circumcised, as she had seen both as a nurse and liked much more to have to wash guys that were circumcised...
                            It's just another one of those double standards with a lot of societal brain washing. They told people that intact penises are gross and dirty and they kept repeating it until everyone believed it and that's why people circumcise still to this day, but it's also a real funny double standard because the natural penis is seen as dirtier than a vagina even though vaginas will get a lot dirtier than a foreskin ever could if not washed daily. Plus vaginas also pass blood through them and are more prone to infection than almost any intact penis out there. Whenever I hear a woman say that a penis is gross I reply by saying that a vagina is gross too and it's funny to watch them go immediately defensive or call me gay, like you know that you're not any better lol.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Well the “odd” thing in my story is that this perception of uncircumcised being dirty is not cultivated here at all...
                              There’s no better feeling in the world than the warm embrace of your foreskin, so KOT!

                              Progress gallery @ https://foreskinrestoration.vbulleti...s-report-tlc-x

                              Comment

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