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How and when to tell your partner?

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  • How and when to tell your partner?

    First off I got to confess that I have never dated or had sex before so if at any point I'm not making sense it's because I have no experience to speak from.

    With that out of the way I want to know how and when to tell your partner that you are restoring your foreskin, I have been kind of looking around at trying online dating and I have had a few chats here and there but I have this fear that once I tell my partner that I'm restoring that they will be disgusted or want me to stop restoring. I have seen a few guys in this forum and on Tally's forum that have had partners or spouses that don't like them tugging and I really don't want to have a relationship go south just because I am trying to grow back a piece of dickskin that shouldn't have been removed in the first place!

    I want to be able to somehow have a honest serious conversation with a possible partner and explain to them what I'm doing and why but I don't want to necessarily drag them down the rabbit hole of intactivism, I want it to be to the point, factual and simple, I want them to respect my decision to fix myself and not laugh at me or be disgusted by it. Part of me doesn't even want to show my circumcised penis, I do have probably a year or so left until I reach my goal so It doesn't bother me that much to not date for a couple more years (I'm just kinda tired of being lonely lol).

    I have considered putting a mention in my dating profile that I'm restoring but that would probably turn people off even faster before they could get to know me but I really would like to let a date know that sooner rather than later. I'm also really nervous that a potential partner wouldn't know what to do with a "half-restored" penis, I don't want to scare someone out of the bedroom when they pull down my pants and see a small really wrinkly member.

    I am really liking that younger guys like me are getting into restoration though, we can make it more common and hopefully make these kind of awkward conversations easier, maybe even intriguing to a potential date or partner like a good conversational point. Unfortunately for now we are the ones considered weird for wanting to be intact especially in america, change cannot come fast enough.

  • #2
    Maybe when you first get naked with a possible partner, look down at your penis and say something like, "I really dislike having been circumcised". You can follow up with "and I'm trying to undo it."
    That could get the conversation started.
    You can practise saying the words beforehand.

    Worst that you could do is to let a potential partner think that you actually like having been mutilated.

    Some of you may have had occasion to run into mathematicians and to wonder therefore how they got that way - Tom Lehrer


    • #3
      I would say you are over thinking this. let it happen naturally, as Tormod says, when it comes up. For example, when would you bring up whether you keep your pubic area shaved or not? When would you bring up that you like oral sex or not?

      The thing is, when you go out and think there is a possibility of sex, you can do that with nothing to identify that you are restoring, right? So, there will be nothing to say, at that point anyway. Some men even restore in hiding while living with a spouse, not something I would recommend, but it shows how little has to be said, even if you live with someone.

      So, focus on the relationship building. You may be a good fit or not, but let that be revealed as you do all the little things of getting to know each other over time, over multiple interactions. And, when the time feels right to mention or talk about this with your potential partner, I think you will know.

      As far as worrying about how they will react, well that is part of life. Some people may not like you because you wear glasses. Or have hairy pubes. Or have blue eyes. Or like to eat spicy food. Or your body is hairy. You will not be able to control what other people like and value. And, trying to fit someone else's standard of perfection is a losing battle over the long run. Instead, work to find someone who likes you. Who wants to be with you because you are you.

      Yes, you will meet some people who you will find, either by chatting, face to face meeting, or even sex, are not compatible, who stop contact and move on away form you. Shrug, that is life. Not everyone is compatible, that is why dating is so hard, and finding someone for a LTR takes a long time for many. you just have to get out there and meet people, recognizing that not everyone you meet will be into you. But, and this is important, if they are, there is a good chanced that they will accept your restoration just as they accept other things about you that are less than perfect, like you are not over 6 feet tall, or you are not muscular, or you like cats but not dogs, or any number of things that may be on their "perfect ma" list, but are unrealistic to find in any one person.



      • #4
        Originally posted by Tormod View Post
        Maybe when you first get naked with a possible partner, look down at your penis and say something like, "I really dislike having been circumcised". You can follow up with "and I'm trying to undo it."
        That could get the conversation started.
        You can practise saying the words beforehand.

        Worst that you could do is to let a potential partner think that you actually like having been mutilated.
        That is a strait to the point statement but I think it would be very weird to say that to someone right before you have sex. If I even think about my penis while I'm masturbating it becomes kind of a mood killer and I really don't want to bring it up in a sexual encounter where I'm already uncomfortable and expected to perform.


        • #5
          Don't worry so much about the timing of when to tell someone. Like Greg said, let it happen naturally. I wouldn't put it on a dating profile because you don't really want to lead with expectations of a sex life. All penises are different so the partner you find will have no idea what to expect when you both get naked just as you aren't sure what they will be packing.

          When you feel that the time is right tell your partner in your own way. The woman I'm with sometimes becomes intrigued in sex and the reproductive system after sex. She will look up how things work or why they do certain things and I figure that will be a good time to bring it up to her.


          • #6
            Don't worry about it that much. Just don't wear anything bulky, complicated, or adhesive when out on a date. Undressing each other and something suddenly going 'clank' will not do well for the mood.

            A rubber or silicone o-ring are ok, stainless or gold ring if you're dressed up more. Just like her matched bra and panties look better, try to coordinate it with something else you had on. Make it more of a fashion choice, rather than her telling her friends about some weirdo wearing a silicone and metal and elastic and rubber and tape...thing on his dong.

            Don't even go for the mutilation / restore / body integrety issues yet. Start with more of a: "it's just something i do", or "because i like it" type response. If you decide to keep her around longer, it'll come up.
            Saying someone is "Unmutilated" is like saying "Unsweet Tea". So you mean it's just Tea, in its natural state, that nobody has screwed up? It can't be Un- anything


            • #7
              Originally posted by Frizzen View Post
              Make it more of a fashion choice, rather than her telling her friends about some weirdo wearing a silicone and metal and elastic and rubber and tape...thing on his dong.
              Even a "classy" metal ring around your dickskin is unusual enough that a girl would tell her friends about something this weirdo had on his dick (assuming she's the type that talks to her friends about that kind of thing.) Foreskin restoration is a weird thing, even if all of us here think it is a just course of action.

              Personally, I would just not wear anything on a date night. It's not going to slow down your progress significantly if it's just an occasional thing. I certainly wouldn't try to draw any attention to the subject with a non-committed partner. And personally I wouldn't bring it up with a committed partner, either, though I think it would make things easier if they knew.


              • #8
                This popped up for me just two days ago, so I have a fresh story to tell in this regard. Spoilers: there's nothing particularly interesting to tell.

                I met a girl through online dating and we've been going out on a semi-weekly basis for a bit over a month. Things had been casual until this past weekend when we started to get more physical. Now, the big difference with online dating is that we answered plenty of questions about ourselves and our ethics and one of them was, "Should boys be circumcised?" She answered, "No," which made everything that followed a lot easier. I understand that unless you are on the same dating website or somehow learn the same information, that kind of invalidates my advice as general to everyone.

                Anyway, here's how things went down. Fair warning: I'm not good with dirty talk and it comes across as awkward in writing anyway. She was sucking on my finger, licking it in a sensual way and I said
                "Showing off your skills?"
                "A finger's pretty different."
                "Well, what is it but a big finger?"
                "Mmm, I'd like a taste of that finger. Does your finger have a sweater?"
                I let go of her embrace, leaned back, smiled, and calmly said, "... We should talk about that. How do you feel about circumcision?"

                She let me know that most of her partners had been circumcised although a couple hadn't and it was no big deal to her. She also said that she wouldn't circumcise her sons, which was what I really needed to hear. At that point, I let her know, simply, that I am circumcised and not happy about it. I also said that there is such a thing as foreskin restoration and I wear a retaining cone almost all the time and she shouldn't be shocked by it. She said that she was sorry that I had been violated in that way. She also admitted that hearing that I am so hurt kind of killed the mood in the moment, but we did end up picking things back up just a little later, so it turned out to not being a big deal.

                In summary, I'd say it went just about as well as I could have reasonably hoped for. I guess what I want anyone reading this to know is that, yeah, the conversation will probably bring any romance to a screeching halt for at least a few minutes. I know it's embarrassing to broach the subject, especially with someone you'd like to get closer to, but if they're really the one for you, they'll be responsive and accommodating to your feelings. For what it's worth, I think it helped that I was able to approach the topic in a calm, matter-of-fact way, but that's come with age and experience. Five or ten years ago, I'd have been visibly shaking and showing how nervous and upset I was. What I said still applies: the right person will accept your feelings regardless, although it will probably further help things to acknowledge if you are becoming emotional against your intentions.


                • #9
                  I had to wait a good two years before telling my partner about it, not for fear of a bad reaction, but more in connection with possible mockery. I have to say that I am a joker at times.

                  But I finally talked about it, because it made my life a lot harder to keep it a secret. But as the restoration work became more intense, it made my life much easier. We are a gay couple, so my partner was perhaps more sympathetic to the cause, although he never had the idea of starting a restoration.

                  Come to think of it, I don't know how this could bother any partner, as I have read many more positive than negative comments from the spouse following the new sensation of the softness of the glans compared to a rougher glans. I actually got the same positive comment from my partner.

                  In conjunction with my partner, I was writing a post in February 2022: 🔗 And what about the husband?
                  Last edited by SylLec; 08-15-2022, 08:43 AM.