Tweet
I was circumcised as an infant in the early 90's. I woke up to the truth about circumcision about 3 years ago. I recall suffering much of the initial shock, rage, shame, and depression associated from the realization of the foreskin's functions, the history of circumcision in America, and everything I was being deprived of as the result of a procedure that I wasn't able to provide my informed consent to.
Around that time, I'd often bring up the topic with my mom, and I was always fixated on the question of *why* she had me circumcised accusing her personally, and it probably made her just as frustrated as I was that she was unable to provide answer that held up to the slightest scrutiny (we've all dealt with the post-hoc reasons people come up with. (hygiene, UTIs, etc..)). I resented her decision, but I also resented her for making it for me. She'd apologized for it, but only in the sense that she was "sorry that I disapproved of her decision", although she wasn't dismissive towards me, and often became as emotional as I was. Despite this, these conversations ended up causing a rift in our relationship. The topic still hadn't been resolved. She was emotionally exhausted regarding the subject, and I frequently found it too painful to think about. Easier to just forget. But forgetting won't restore your foreskin.
Fast forward to now, and I've purchased a TLC X and started restoring again after a few months with the canister method, and the thoughts started coming back. I remembered why I originally stopped thinking about what was done. I know that restoring is one of the best steps towards healing the pain, but it seems to cause so much pain along the way by reminding you what was done every day you apply the device. Every time I think about it too much, I risk tearing open old wounds.
I felt that I needed some sort of closure on this situation. And the conversations with my mom from 3 years back seemed unfinished. I just confronted her again about it this evening. Rather than ply her for answers and justifications as I had before, I started by explaining how I understood that it wasn't her fault. She was given misinformation by the hospital, doctors, and culture of the time. I just wanted her to understand that infant circumcision was unethical, and more specifically, *why* it was unethical. So I started with explaining how circumcision was originally introduced to the U.S. as a failed means to prevent boys from masturbating by reducing sexual pleasure. I elaborated, calmly and concisely, on how removing the foreskin causes the glans to become dry and desensitized. I explained how the foreskin contains thousands of nerve endings. And I described how I felt about the fact that, as an infant, I was unable to consent to an unnecessary, cosmetic procedure that removed my ability to ever experience intimacy the way a natural body could.
I think she really got it this time. She understands that it's wrong, and not just a parents "decision" to make for one's infant.
The trick was never to blame your parents. They're often victims themselves, and are more likely to react defensively, rather than openly, to new information, if it's presented in an accusatory context. All I ever wanted was for her to admit that the circumcising infants is wrong, and after 3 years, I'm relieved that we finally had the opportunity and emotional / relational wherewithal to calmly and maturely go over the real harm that circumcision causes. I think the fact that my mom finally understands the details and effects of circumcision, rather than just regarding it as "something one of her sons resents", has given me this enormous feeling of vindication on this subject, which is a commodity in a country that ridicules the idea that circumcision causes psychological harm. And it's a great first step in mending the strained relationship with my mother.
I'm flattered if you've read down to the end. Thanks for hearing me out. Just wanted to share part of my story. Restoration is gonna be a long road. But I hear it's worth it
Around that time, I'd often bring up the topic with my mom, and I was always fixated on the question of *why* she had me circumcised accusing her personally, and it probably made her just as frustrated as I was that she was unable to provide answer that held up to the slightest scrutiny (we've all dealt with the post-hoc reasons people come up with. (hygiene, UTIs, etc..)). I resented her decision, but I also resented her for making it for me. She'd apologized for it, but only in the sense that she was "sorry that I disapproved of her decision", although she wasn't dismissive towards me, and often became as emotional as I was. Despite this, these conversations ended up causing a rift in our relationship. The topic still hadn't been resolved. She was emotionally exhausted regarding the subject, and I frequently found it too painful to think about. Easier to just forget. But forgetting won't restore your foreskin.
Fast forward to now, and I've purchased a TLC X and started restoring again after a few months with the canister method, and the thoughts started coming back. I remembered why I originally stopped thinking about what was done. I know that restoring is one of the best steps towards healing the pain, but it seems to cause so much pain along the way by reminding you what was done every day you apply the device. Every time I think about it too much, I risk tearing open old wounds.
I felt that I needed some sort of closure on this situation. And the conversations with my mom from 3 years back seemed unfinished. I just confronted her again about it this evening. Rather than ply her for answers and justifications as I had before, I started by explaining how I understood that it wasn't her fault. She was given misinformation by the hospital, doctors, and culture of the time. I just wanted her to understand that infant circumcision was unethical, and more specifically, *why* it was unethical. So I started with explaining how circumcision was originally introduced to the U.S. as a failed means to prevent boys from masturbating by reducing sexual pleasure. I elaborated, calmly and concisely, on how removing the foreskin causes the glans to become dry and desensitized. I explained how the foreskin contains thousands of nerve endings. And I described how I felt about the fact that, as an infant, I was unable to consent to an unnecessary, cosmetic procedure that removed my ability to ever experience intimacy the way a natural body could.
I think she really got it this time. She understands that it's wrong, and not just a parents "decision" to make for one's infant.
The trick was never to blame your parents. They're often victims themselves, and are more likely to react defensively, rather than openly, to new information, if it's presented in an accusatory context. All I ever wanted was for her to admit that the circumcising infants is wrong, and after 3 years, I'm relieved that we finally had the opportunity and emotional / relational wherewithal to calmly and maturely go over the real harm that circumcision causes. I think the fact that my mom finally understands the details and effects of circumcision, rather than just regarding it as "something one of her sons resents", has given me this enormous feeling of vindication on this subject, which is a commodity in a country that ridicules the idea that circumcision causes psychological harm. And it's a great first step in mending the strained relationship with my mother.
I'm flattered if you've read down to the end. Thanks for hearing me out. Just wanted to share part of my story. Restoration is gonna be a long road. But I hear it's worth it
Comment