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Starting Over, but Hopefully for the Better

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  • Starting Over, but Hopefully for the Better

    It's been quite a while since I used this site for anything, I must say... Well, to be exact it's been a year and and 3 months, but who's counting? Haha...

    I'm now a 20-year-old gay college sophomore who first became involved with this forum when I posted this post in the Grief section, and I think the response I got at the time was helpful (so thanks a bunch if you were one of the people who responded to it). But looking at it again, I can't really tell if it's still an accurate description of how I feel now, or if I can barely imagine having written it at all. In either case, the reason I'm writing this post is because enough time has passed - and enough things have happened - that I think I should start over. And that means starting over with where I am in dealing with my feelings regarding circumcision as well, both physically and emotionally.

    I came to the forum feeling heavily depressed and having some doubts about my own worth as a whole person (which I oddly chose not to express as much in my first post), and to be honest, that hasn't really gone away. For sure, my depression related to circumcision has changed its form some over the course of the past year, but even so I can still recognize much of the same negativity I had beforehand. In some ways I've become acclimated to it, but in others it's only grown worse, which is probably why I'm posting this in the Grief section to begin with. My initial ambition to restore my foreskin waxed and waned considerably for a while before disappearing entirely; my attempts with canisters ultimately ended due to the culmination of seeing minimal results and having no real outlet for my persisting sadness otherwise. And so, it festered inside me for the remainder of the interim between then and now. I'm not going to be as wordy about it here because, frankly, much of it would be a rehash of what was said in my first post, but the point I want to make here is that the grief has changed, but it definitely isn't gone.

    I mentioned in my first post that I had just started seeing a therapist with the intent of sorting out my circ-related issues, and I expressed some concern at being faced with someone who wouldn't understand my problem. To some extent, I was right. The first person I saw was unfortunately too close-minded and brainwashed by circumcision rhetoric to hear me out, which was pretty disheartening and certainly didn't help my mental state one bit. I was reluctant to try again after it became clear he didn't want to hear anything I had to say about my grief, but a combination of listening to more advice - and being at the mercy of increasingly severe bouts of depression - drove me to do so. And even if it's by sheer luck, I'm happy to say that this time has gone much better! My current therapist is so willing to discuss my circ-related issues with me that it's almost assertive, and conversely it's taken some patience explaining the situation in a way that someone uneducated about circumcision can believe, but by all accounts I think I lucked out to have found someone like this to help me. But, as nice as that is, the time I've had to mull over my issues has also led to me finding more problems that have to be dealt with.

    Something I didn't mention in the past, and indeed didn't know of, is the secondary complication of a skin bridge that I've only recently realized could pose a long-term threat to my restoration process. After some research, I've resolved to undergo the procedure to get it removed in the near future, which I'm not sure how to feel about yet (therefore any advise on the matter would be greatly appreciated). On one hand it makes me quite uncomfortable that my penis needs to be operated on a second time (and what's more, I can only hope insurance will cover it), but I'm trying to keep my goal more aimed at restoration than a prerequisite procedure like that. Once the bridge is taken care of and assuming it all heals up well, I plan on restarting the restoration process and shifting my focus from devices to manual methods, since I've heard considerable evidence that the results come more easily. I still have a long way to go as one who was cut tightly, especially with over a year wasted that I could have spent a fair portion of already making progress, but one good thing I can say about having gone through all of this is that it makes the decision to resume restoring a more... concrete one.

    In summation, I think I've made this post as both a venting mechanism and a statement to myself, that if I'm really going to make it through this then I need to have more conviction than I did before. I am most certainly not okay, not by a long shot, and as I said, the negative feelings continue to linger to the extent that I really can't say for sure if I'll be okay in the foreseeable future. However, as I view this as an opportunity to start everything over, I really do hope that it can be for the better, and if there's any advice that I can impart on others who are reading this and who might be in a situation to my own, it's this:

    If you're really, truly going to try to make things better, then don't wait until later; do it at your earliest convenience, or even if it's a little inconvenient. Anything you can do for yourself right now is better than doing nothing at all.

  • #2
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think these posts are helpful to many.



    • #3
      Thank you for sharing... There is no better time than right now to help yourself. I've been involved in the fitness industry for quite some time and people consistently make the mistake of believing that in the future things will line up perfectly in there lives structurally​, emotionally etc. And wait for that time which never comes.You'll be waiting forever for things to line up. You have no choice but to jump in with both feet imediately. Cautiously and with guidance of course; but now is the time. Best wishes and blessings to you...