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Bittersweet

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  • Bittersweet

    I haven't been restoring for very long, but ever since I first heard about it, it's opened up a subject that had always been closed in my mind...and I find myself thinking about it pretty frequently.
    I was cut as an infant, so that's all I've ever known. I'd never had any reason to think about it, and just accepted things for what they were. I didn't know what it was like to be intact, so even if I found out it was better to be that way, there was no point in getting all worked up over something I didn't remember having, and could never get back even if I wanted to.

    But then I stumbled upon restoration, while researching how to deal with a pretty severe loss of sensitivity. I was very intrigued, and excited at the idea of being able to restore things to their natural state, especially if it would improve my sex life. This excitement is rapidly wearing off, as it's truly starting to hit me just how long it's going to take to complete this process. I find myself thinking about this a lot, and that usually leads to me doing research on FR and tissue expansion, in general. I think doing research gives me some false sense that I'm making progress.

    I'm trying to stay positive, and generally succeeding, but there are some negative emotions that are definitely under the surface. In some ways, I wish I'd just continued to live in blissful ignorance.

    It's bittersweet, because although I am not feeling so great now, I actually am glad I found out about this. I know the work will be worth it when I can look back after reaching my goal. I also feel pretty confident in saying that there is no intact man on Earth who has as much appreciation for that little flap of skin, as someone who's lost it and had to spend years trying to get it back.

    I just hope that I can stop being so preoccupied with the subject once things become routine. The more I think about it, the more I focus on the long road ahead.

  • #2
    I think most guys here understands exactly how you feel, some more strongly than others. I regret that I was cut, but not that I am seeing - and feeling some of the fruits of the effort, I am more hopeful. It will never be exactly what I was born with, but what is coming along is worth the effort. Hang in there.

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    • #3
      Here's a radical idea: grief is a story you tell yourself, about yourself. This is the essence of grief. I know that grief per se is accepted as a "natural" process, even in the clinical area, but the plain and fundamental truth of it is that it's really only a story about you, which only continues because you keep telling it; it's not the real you, it's a conceptual you. The story itself is fundamentally removed from your actual reality.

      As you restore, the power of that story will fade, bit by bit. It will fade into the reality of increased sensation and function. Yes, it takes a long time, from the viewpoint of day-to-day internal story telling (a bad habit, so cut that out ). But as time goes on, you will see more than just the story because you won't tell it to yourself as often. This will happen because you will see a clearer goal, and eventual signposts of progress towards that goal, and you will see more function, because the story, bit by bit, is exchanged for daily action, and new experiences along the way. So don't fight yourself.

      Can you change the story itself? Sure, change it to "I know what to do, I know what will help, and I can make this happen if I just continue on". That story will bring success.

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      • #4
        Thanks, guys. Honestly, I've felt a bit better since I vented all that crap. My wife is the only person outside this forum who knows I'm restoring, and as supportive as she is, there are things about this that she just can't fully understand. It's nice to type up something like this, and know that pretty much every person reading it has gone through the same stuff.
        And, yes Info, that is an interesting concept. Definitely gave me something to think about.
        Last edited by The Metal One; 06-04-2017, 08:11 PM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by The Metal One View Post
          My wife is the only person outside this forum who knows I'm restoring
          Yeah, it would be nice if healing ourselves was something folks in our real-world life wanted to hear about.

          Back in 2005 I chose to tell a guy at work because he was expecting a baby and I needed for him to understand what's lost when parents circumcise. It worked. He left his son intact.

          The other guy at work that I told was on a project team with me and he wanted to go to lunch and discuss the project. I had to decline because my front seat was full of tugging gear that needed to be boxed up for customers and dropped at the post office. I explained my sideline to this guy since I thought he would understand - his family was from Mexico City and I knew circumcision was rare in Mexico. Turns out he's probably cut because most of the circumcision that does happen in Mexico is among affluent city folks. Also, it turned out that within a year he was no longer a peer; he became my boss. Now he had to ask me every few months (in private) whether my moonlighting was allowing me to give 100% to my day job. This was a very compassionate way for him to handle it. I rewarded his compassion by lying every time and saying that the company was getting my best, even when I was only sleeping 4-5 hours per night due to running TLC Tugger at the same time. I finally quit that job in 2008 and chose to live on what the Tuggers were bringing in.
          -Ron Low
          [email protected]
          847 414-1692 Chicago

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          • #6
            Man, that's rough. I'm glad you are able to make a living off of the tuggers, though. Probably a pretty rewarding feeling to know how happy those things have made all those guys.
            You're certainly a braver man than I. I was worried my wife was going to think I was crazy for wanting to restore...can't even imagine any scenario where I'd bring it up with any other person I know.

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