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I Was a Member Years Ago and am Back - Still Have Grief Related Issues

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  • I Was a Member Years Ago and am Back - Still Have Grief Related Issues

    I was a member on here for a few years up until a few years ago. I hooked up with Lindsay Watson and had a poem, a short story and a brief autobiography published in his book "Unspeakable Mutilations". My name is Jaime Banks.

    I have Borderline Personality Disorder which has spurred major addictions issues. My BPD was greatly exacerbated by my revelation regarding my mutilation when I was 17 - I am now 33 years old. I restored some intermittently but never really dedicated myself, and thus have not grown much new tissue at all.

    I seemed to aim to destroy myself completely, I almost succeeded. I almost died several times over the past years due to alcohol related complications. I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child, and when I realized what had happened to me as an infant I totally snapped. I stabilized somewhat during parts of my 20s, and wrote some excellent poetry, essays, short stories and such. Over the past few years, as I said, I nearly drank myself to death...and I did not restore whatsoever. I want to get back on that particular horse now. I could have been fully restored by now for certain, but I can't waste any more time or energy on regret.

    I live in the NYC Metro in Northern NJ, very close to Manhattan. I moved here three years ago to be with my current partner, previously I resided in Pittsburgh. I have access to resources in Manhattan that are not available anywhere in PA, nor anywhere else in the US and hardly the world, actually. I want to get very involved in intactivism. I want to get on The View, or any number of other daytime talk shows or even evening news shows, though the former seems an easier feat to accomplish initially. I need to polish my debate skills, however, as I know if that ever happens I will get hammered. I think if I use the book as a way in, I may be able to get on shows. Radio shows, now that I think of it, would be perfect too...certainly they could be a segue into TV shows. We need more exposure.

    I posted this on grief because I realize I am still deeply grieved over my mutilation. And I mention my debate skills because I often get incensed to the point where I flip out on people when they really push my buttons, lol. I was talking to this guy on gay-bear phone application of GROWLr, of all places, and he is a major Christian who is a minister. He was very nice oft times and talked to me about my emotional issues, and I discussed his with him as well. But we got into debates more than once about male genital mutilation. He insists that dramatically reduced sexual sensation is not a medical issue. I disagree(d) - sexual sensation affects emotional function which is medically pertinent. He also insists that literally no baby has ever died, EVER, from circumcision. I showed him information to the contrary and he disputed its validity. He said the WHO shows that no baby has died from circumcision since such records have been kept since 1958. Can anyone verify such a thing? I know that that even pro-mutilation assholes generally can't deny that some babies die from circumcision. The generally accepted number in the USA is around 100 infants a year.

    I know I need to sharpen my debate skills because I ended up saying to this guy "You're an idiot. Please leave me alone". LOL. I just couldn't take his blatant disregard for male sexual sensation anymore, nor his inaccurate assertions that MGM never kills any infant. But I feel guilty now. I wish I hadn't called him a name, essentially reverting to Ad Hominem. I also want to be able to cooly, calmly debate people and not emotionally freak out like that. I don't think he would have listened to anything I said anyhow. He wants to believe that his penis is "just fine" - like most cut men I encounter, and will likely have argued against any data I showed him.

    Does anyone have any advice on how to stay cool and calm while debating someone who refuses to accept data which induces within them cognitive dissonance?

    Is there anyone in the NYC Metro who is interested in some serious Intactivism?

  • #2
    https://foreskinrestoration.vbulleti...ing-to-friends
    These aren't completely similar situations, but I think the advice I gave in the linked thread applies here.

    Comment


    • #3
      Welcome back to the board, WoundedBird. I very well remember you from the old board, and re-read many of your posts that still survive on the Way Back Machine.

      I'm in a hurry but will read your long return post, and reply.

      Good to have you posting here once again.

      Comment


      • #4
        I don't have a therapist. I was on a lot of benzos when I wrote my OP. I will have a therapist again at some point, but Borderline PD is not easy to treat and finding therapists who have the credentials to do so is quite difficult. I don't expect anyone here to really help "fix" me either. But thank you for the advice, "Info", sincerely. My experience with psychiatry and psychology is extensive, and I have a bachelor's degree in psych. I don't hold psychiatry in very high regard, actually, lol. In large part I was venting, when sober I wouldn't have shared so much erroneous info on here, I feel awkward for having shared such but can't take it back now. *Shrug* The only type of therapy found to be effective in BPD is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and I haven't been able to find a single therapist certified in it in my area period, much less one who takes medicaid. I will be OK, in that I won't be committing suicide or anything anytime soon. And, again, I don't harbor the misconception that anyone here can do anything significant to help heal my mental illness. I was somewhat drugged and venting. I am glad my medicated-ness drove me to register here again, though. lol.

        Hello Rifleman. Thank you for the welcome. Did you have the same handle/screen-name on the original boards? I do think I recall your SN, but I have some significant amnesic issues from the extreme alcoholism from which I am recovering. I will have to use the "Way Back Machine" too, to look back and refresh my battered memory best I can. I feel complimented that you remember me and am glad to have me back, that makes me feel good, thank you much.

        I do think that despite my issues I contributed a lot of positive energy to the boards in the past. I talked to suicidal young men in private messages many times and tried to offer them support. Talking to other men who genuinely relate and understand what it's like to feel anguish over genital mutilation provides me with comforts no "professional" ever has - though I will be seeing a therapist again when I can find one who takes my insurance and can actually be of help. I did quit drinking, which caused me significant brain damage as I was drinking a bottle of vodka a day...now I only take my benzodiazepines and medical marijuana - both prescribed - but some nights, when I am very distressed, I take more benzos than I need...I am prescribed more than I need, and usually I take only a fraction of what I am rxed, but last night I took my full rxed dose plus my sleep z-drug together and then ended up registering on here and posting. Sorry about that, everyone. I think mostly I was lonely. The brain damage I have is awful, my vision is highly affected in addition to my memory, so everything looks like it is under a strobe light much of the time, including right now.

        My family is very disturbed and that is why I have Borderline PD. However, I am certain I would never have been as self-destructive as I am if I had not been mutilated. When I found out about what had been done to me, after losing ALL sensation from intense keratinization, I totally snapped. I wrote about that extensively back in the day on the boards, in addition to the poetry and short story I wrote which were published by Lindsay Watson in that book as mentioned in my OP.

        I know I can be very narcissistic and am nearly always verbose, but I want to work on at least the former attribute. I will cruise the new boards at my leisure now and hope to contribute things in a way which is helpful. I really need to start restoring again too, but as Info said, I do need to work on my mental health more urgently than anything. I do want to help the world realize how badly mgm can damage the psyche of some individuals, though, and I think making a difference in that regard will be therapeutic for me.

        If anyone suffers from similar issues to me please feel free to PM me, or if anyone wants to talk for any other reason, for that matter. I am quite lonely, as I said, and I really could use friends who truly understand my woes. Thanks again for your replies guys.

        Comment


        • #5
          Wounded Bird, I used the same name, The Rifleman, and the same photo logo on the old board. I'll send you a PM, and also try to get my threads from using the Way Back Machine bumped to the top, so you can surf that web page yourself.

          Comment


          • #6
            I remember your contributions to the old board too, WoundedBird.

            Welcome Back!

            David
            World As Monkey Island
            I declared myself finished restoring with 3/4 erect coverage (CI-8.5) in 2005. I primarily used T-tape, strapping up and around my waist.
            I've participated in NORM meetings in San Diego, Los Angeles, Seattle (RECAP), and Ann Arbor, Michigan.

            Every doubt, reservation, or concern I had about my restoration was resolved by achieving additional foreskin LENGTH.....So just KOT !

            Comment


            • #7
              Rifleman, the post of mine from "Way Back" you PMed me is really fucking hilarious. OMG, I think that is why I stopped going on the couple of message boards to which I belonged - I would become inebriated and say crazy shit. But I can see I was aware of how intoxicated I was...or at least, sort of...when I wrote that post mocking that guy who was denying circumcision grief. I think I found myself amusing there in same vein of the old trope of the drunken guy at the party with the lampshade on his head.

              Even when I wrote my second post on here I sound narcissistic and obnoxious to myself. Oh well. I am going to go contribute to the grief forum...the area to which I always gravitated. But I also want to post in other areas of these boards.

              Your guys re-welcoming really means a lot to me. It can be difficult being an Intactivist.

              I remember your signature, Science Monk...it always sort of perplexed me, lol. Thanks again for the welcome.

              Comment


              • #8
                Welcome back! I remember you as well.

                I do not know of any sure fire way to stay cool when people are dismissing the evidence you provide and using irrational arguments. It can be very difficult to tease apart the mistakes in logic, and there is nothing you can really do when someone simply refuses to accept the evidence. My experience is the best you can do is agree to disagree and move on.

                I have read that a way to get them to re-evaluate their beliefs is to use questioning techniques, open ended questions designed to make them think for themselves. But you can only do this once in a while, and then patiently wait to see if their own musings over time lead them to further interest in additional discussion. For example, one thing you could have tried in that interaction your shared would be to ask "Why do you think that the who and (whatever resource you presented) completely contradict each other? that doesn't seem plausible, I wonder which is correct, if either is correct, or what the real answer might be?"

                The other component to having these types of dialogues is your own ability to remain calm and collected. Not everyone is good at that, but it helps a great deal if you can. If not, well, maybe knowing when to agree to disagree, before you get to frustrated.

                Glad you have returned and are restoring again!

                Best wishes

                Comment


                • #9
                  Nice to hear from you. There are groups in the NYC area which do intactivist things in the real world. Let me know if you need help finding them.
                  -Ron Low
                  [email protected]
                  847 414-1692 Chicago

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Reading your post did me a lot of good! I can relate fully to your struggles with grief over MGM, as well as your addiction issues. I agree with greg_b's advice. Ask questions to provoke uncertainty. I feel so empowered to have snapped out of the"my dick is fine" mode as you described. Drinking/drugs/self pity is short term comfort that will lead to long term suffering. We can improve with persistent effort. That applies to many avenues of life. Keep your head up man!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I believe I may be familiar with your work, having purchased the book "Unspeakable Mutilations" a few months back. I can definitely relate to much of the devastating psychological fallout that so many of us have experienced from waking up to the truth about MGM. I remember being 20 years old and watching Stephan Molenuex's video on circumcision, which led to a LOT of research over a few days. Really fucked me up mentally for a while, put an enormous strain on my relationship with my mom, and caused a general state of depression, cynicism and anxiety that seems to have permanently altered my personality and outlook.

                      The problem is, I don't have any answers, just a vague, hazy idea that restoration and socializing are probably effective methods of dulling the constant pain. But yeah, alcohol also seems to help quite a bit.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Wow this thread is taking on interesting dimensions.

                        Yes J, I agree that self-pity and addictions aren't going to spur healing - that is of course very obvious but the hard part is in actually being proactive and overcoming the momentum of inertia...getting up and doing things to improve our lot.

                        starpilot - I relate to what you're saying quite a lot. I have never been the same since I realized what had been done to me in regard to male genital mutilation. And I relate completely to what you say about healing - I have a nebulous conception of what is probably in my best interests to do, and the things that are counterproductive to healing and growth, but there is nothing resembling a reliable map or template for transcending such existential angst as is provoked by the knowledge that somebody brutally mutilated my genitalia and that this practice will continue indefinitely.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by WoundedBird View Post
                          Wow this thread is taking on interesting dimensions.

                          Yes J, I agree that self-pity and addictions aren't going to spur healing - that is of course very obvious but the hard part is in actually being proactive and overcoming the momentum of inertia...getting up and doing things to improve our lot.

                          starpilot - I relate to what you're saying quite a lot. I have never been the same since I realized what had been done to me in regard to male genital mutilation. And I relate completely to what you say about healing - I have a nebulous conception of what is probably in my best interests to do, and the things that are counterproductive to healing and growth, but there is nothing resembling a reliable map or template for transcending such existential angst as is provoked by the knowledge that somebody brutally mutilated my genitalia and that this practice will continue indefinitely.
                          This is the definition of fixation; sorry, but that's true, I think you know that, and for anyone to say anything else won't be helpful for you. There is a path towards balance, and it takes work. But you have to decide to take that path, and do the work. Passivity is stagnation, or worse. Therapy is one avenue to take towards balance. That may be only the first step towards a balanced life, but you need some sort of first step. If you don't have a therapist, your are essentially adrift. This forum isn't an anchor. At best it's co dependancy. So you know what my suggestion is....

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