How do I deal?

[Triceratops]

I always knew something was wrong with my penis. But I learned what actually happened and why I felt that way about 14 years ago. I've struggled for years with consistent restoration, though I've actually gone from about a ci4 to ci7.

When I first found out, I struggled for several years working my way through the "stages of grief" but never quite came to acceptance. For about 8 years I just carried on. Well, now I have two, young intact boys. And I can't seems to be happy for them. Instead, I secretly rage woth jealousy inside. Even though they are both under 2, in the past few weeks I have found myself becoming increasingly consumed with rage.

Granted, a variety of extenuating circumstances have left me with the highest levels of stress I've dealt with in my entire life the past 4 months or so. But amidst dealing with a slew of problems, the only one I can't get past is the resurgence of my pain.

I have been assaulted with rage. I'm being filled with hate, and fight it though I might, I can't let it go. I'm so angry, so bitter. I'm so consumed by it, I step back and look at myself and think, "you pathetic fool! People sustain tremendous wounds or die young, starve to death, and suffer so many other things that they would kill to be in your shoes, and you can't get over being cut! You weren't even cut tight! What is wrong with you?!"

I want this anger to go away. I want to find a way to deal with it. At one point I considered having a little funeral for my foreskin, complete with a eulogy, in hopes that it might help me cope. Yet somehow, I feel stupid for thinking it.

It's no longer a rage I can contain. It's seeping into every area of my life. It's affecting my health, my faith, and my relationships. I couldn't handle being looked at like I'm crazy by the average cut/pro-circ therapist. I don't know what to do. I need help, but I don't know own where to go.

So here I am. Can anyone give me some suggestions? If nothing else, I hope to at least find understanding here.

[parsecskin]

When were you cut? If you were cut as an infant, try talking to your parents. Tell them how it has affected you and how you feel about the whole deal and ask for an apology. Educate them. Try your mom first.

[TheRifleman]

Triceritops, it is good that you have come here to express your feelings. I just hope that you do not become jelous of your two intact sons and direct your anger towards them.

You have done such a wonderful thing by leaving them intact, and there is no reason to have any jealousy toward them.

Instead, your anger should be directed only toward the Cutters.

[parsecskin]

Right on Lucas! (McCain). Fuck the cutters! Hope they all die a horrible death and end up in Hell.

[MyDay]

hi @Triceratops, it is unfortunantly hard to read your statement. You have alot of pain. I was circumcised when I was 20, becaus I had to tight forskin, so I had problems urinating. The doctor said that this was the solution, and he sent me of to surgent, that removed every bit of forskin. And ofcorse ... this was a horrible thing to do.
Later in life I understood this, but from some reson it never turned into anger from my part. I feel cheated by the doctors that performed this thing on me, but it did not turn in to psysological pain, and anger.
The reson why I wright this is that I think you should ask your selfe if your anger is related to other aspects of your personality?
I surely dont suggest it that it is, but ... when the pain and anger realy gets into you, you should ask if other - not relevant problems, or features interfear and feed upon your frustration ...

[Triceratops]

I was cut at birth. There is no sense trying to talk to my dad, but when I spoke to my mom she was just extremely defensive. It went nowhere and was of no help.

I don't direct my anger my sons out of jealousy, my anger is just sort of all consuming. I have much to be grateful for, most of my frenulum, a lot of inner skin, a loose cut in general. But something about it infuriates me. Just that my parents would be so stupid, my society so hypocritical (search genital mutilation help and it's all directed exclusively to FGM victims), and my day to day living so irritable.

I hate the feeling of my glans touching my underwear and I have lost so many retainers over the years that I've been trying to stick to spandex for the past month or so to keep things in place. I need to get another "Your Skin Cone".

But again, I can't understand why I'm so upset. I just am.

[parsecskin]

Hey dude, sometimes you just need to vent. It helps wonders to just let it all out. Nobody here will poo poo how you feel. You're among friends that completely understand.

[peterpink]

Many of us understand. Circumcision grief is a lonely process to work through. It is a normal human reaction to feel rage when part of your body has been cut off for no medical reason. It is part of our grief reaction and to heal we need to experience our emotions rather than ignore them as some do. I think the best approach is to direct the energy of your rage onto something that is not destructive to you or anyone else. Explain to your partner how you feel and the reason for your rage or temper. Some find physical activity helps. Others find writing a journal or an account of their story including feelings helps. Going to a therapist can help—if the therapist understands. Only about 10% seem to. I am advised that the Secular Therapy Project is worth checking out if you are int he US. (https://www.seculartherapy.org/index.php). This organisation does not use religious therapists and I understand they have been told that circumcision grief is a real thing and not something to laugh at. Keep letting us know how you feel. Turn the energy of your anger into something to make the world a better place. Best wishes.

[aobaru]

Get a good therapist. Working through circumcision grief is like working through any other grief. You will accept it and you will move past it. You will do things, like restoration and activism, that help to reempower you. You made the right decision by refusing to let your boys share in your trauma, as many fathers, like mine, do and did. You're ending the cycle, and that's powerful.