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Cut at ~4, PTSD since then

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  • Cut at ~4, PTSD since then

    I'm 28 now and have been restoring for 1.75 years with little visible results. I spent 1-2 months doing manual tugging. Then I did cross-taping for another 3 months before I got a TLC-X which I enjoy using much more. This product and community are some of my only hopes.

    My dad made the decision to not have me cut at birth, I enjoyed a few years of the good life thanks to him. After he died when I was ~3.5 my mother made the decision to have it done anyways.

    I didn't understand anything at the time. I used to feel a power deep in my heart - the power to get wet and feel this heaven of slippery surfaces sliding over each other. I relished in the power of my wetness. And then it got cut out of me. If any women read this - how would you feel if someone cut you so you could never get wet again? And what if nobody cared because everyone was like that? And nobody knew any better, so everyone loved it? I remember waking up from the anesthesia in the hospital, not even fully understanding what had just happened to me, and the first words out of my mouth were "I hate you." Then they laughed at how "cute" I was acting.

    I had just started to learn to masturbate too. After that I never masturbated again until I was a sophomore in High School. I wanted nothing to do with my penis during that period. Jeans were all my mother bought me and they were so painful. I cried for days(/weeks?) trying to figure out how I was going to keep my glans wet and warm and protected again. I had to sit day after day watching my glans dry out, shrivel up, callous over, and feel it all go numb and dry. I wasn't me anymore. She forced me to be someone else that I didn't want to be. I can't claim to know what it feels like to be r*ped, but I felt something close.

    I've never had it diagnosed but I believe I have PTSD from the event. For years afterward until I was 6-7 I had constant nightmares of my penis being cut in half by razor blades or other pieces of metal and pulled apart. I was afraid to fall asleep every night because I didn't want to feel my penis getting cut up in my dreams. I wanted to die as a 4 year old child.

    A couple years ago I came to terms with what really happened, and I (speculated that I) had PTSD events. I called my recent ex (who is supportive of me now <3) at 6 AM screaming as hard as I could about how I needed my penis back or I was gonna die. She was annoyed at the hour and about how out of control I was. Then I went for a drive in the country pushing 80-100 down 55mph roads hoping a semi would slam into me or something else would kill me. During all of this I felt like a prisoner trapped in my own mind trapped inside a body I didn't want. I still feel this way in the background every day a little bit. I can't ignore it and I just want to be me again so badly. Every time I saw an intact penis online over the past year or so I felt my mind get cut open again wanted my penis back. But now when I see pics it doesn't hurt as bad. It still does, but its also kind of motivating.

    To this day masturbating is a turn-off for me. I don't like the way my penis looks or feels. I remember what it feels like to masturbate with a whole penis, and I envision having it when I do it. I can't look at it while I'm doing it or it'll ruin the little lie I have going on in my mind.

    There are many things in my life that have kept me in suicidal territory, but this is the oldest, deepest, most traumatic wound in my mind. Look at the most war-torn places in the world - the US, Middle East, and Southern Africa - where the mutilation rates are all above 75%. It's not an ignorable coincidence. This has to stop now.

    Love to all of you beautiful people that care to read these things and that go out of your way to say something when you can <3
    1eagle
    Junior Member
    Last edited by 1eagle; 12-24-2021, 09:29 PM.

  • #2
    Originally posted by 1eagle View Post
    I came to terms with what really happened, and I had major PTSD events.
    We are very lucky to have someone who writes so well with us to put into words the hearbreak and anguish that forced genital cutting can cause. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. I'm sorry you lost your father in childhood. I'm sorry you were betrayed and cut. I can only speculate that your mom wanted what she thought was best for you, which would mean the betrayal was by the medical people who should have better understood what they were doing to a person's healthy normal genitals, and declined to cut on ethical grounds (like they would if asked to cut off your earlobes).

    I know very little about a PTSD diagnosis. I'm probably scarred from my dad moving away when I was 13 in a way that prevents me from caring enough about anything or anyone, so I just smile through it. But I just hope that we can recognize here and now as a starting point, and see the positive trajectory that restoring and intactivism offer us.
    -Ron Low
    [email protected]
    847 414-1692 Chicago

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    • #3
      1eagle, I am so sorry this was done to you at an age you have memories from. I'm sure I was cut within hours of my birth and really didn't realize I was cut until I was eight or nine years old. I like Ron am unfamiliar with PTSD but would suggest finding some type of counseling. When I couldn't save my grandson from this mutilation it forced me to seek help. I have never fully recovered from this but someone to talk to about it has beneficial. I have found that restoration, even though it is slow gives me daily positive reinforcement. Intactivism, however is the true way for peace of mind and to help make a change for all those boys coming who will thank us for standing up to this blight on our society.

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      • #4
        Keep tugging, man. It gets better. Like many others here who were cut during infancy, I have no memory of how it would've been if I'd ever had a foreskin, but having coverage does provide a certain wet feeling sort of like what you're describing.

        For motivation, I would encourage you to keep coming back to this site. Keep a journal of your own progress, perhaps with observations of any changes, measurements of skin gained, or even photos to show yourself how much progress you've made. While it is a slow process, just stay consistent with it, and you'll notice changes from month to month.

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        • #5
          I can’t imagine how horrible it would be to have a memory of the procedure. I’m surprised any doctor would agree to do that to a child not old enough to understand what was happening but old enough to remember. I think restoration would more therapeutic for you than most -good luck 😀

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          • #6
            Wow, what a traumatic experience to go through. So sorry you had to go through it. And you are one who can give a first hand impression of why this should not be done. I was cut when I was too young to remember, so while I find it plausible to think it had some effect on me, I have nothing to go on experientially.

            At least restoring can be a positive thing that you, yourself can do to help yourself, get back some of what was taken from you, and provide others with valuable insight into how it compares.

            My suggestion would be to experiment with the amount of tension, to see if your progress can be improved. But above all, keep on tugging.

            Regards

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            • #7
              So sorry this happened to you.
              I was cut at 18 months, and even though I don’t remember having the surgery, I do remember the pain afterwards.
              Best wishes to you.

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              • #8
                Wow, thank you to everyone who's read and responded to this. This went above my expectations!

                I never meant to stretch a self-diagnosis or anything. I've just read about PTSD as part of sorting out other mental health issues I have. And once I started reading more back into this topic and exploring those old feelings is where I started to see similarities - like the nightmares and episodes of feeling painfully trapped in my body. I wasn't exactly in a good place when I was originally writing. I should have taken some time to calm down and reflect before posting.

                I feel like working at restoration would be the best way to combat the sense of loss and betrayal that manifests so painfully. I feel like talking to a therapist would be redundant after reading all of your kind words. I'm grateful for all of your support and encouragement!

                I wish you all the best on your own journeys of restoration and spreading the truth.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by admin View Post

                  I'm probably scarred from my dad moving away when I was 13 in a way that prevents me from caring enough about anything or anyone, so I just smile through it. But I just hope that we can recognize here and now as a starting point, and see the positive trajectory that restoring and intactivism offer us.
                  Ron, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. That's not something I have experience with, nor can I imagine the pain of.

                  Something that's been helpful for me was finding the topic of "attachment styles" and how to heal them. Thais Gibson has good videos on Youtube about the topic.

                  I'm grateful for all of your work in bolstering this community and helping me and so many others find healing that I used to believe was impossible.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Regarding PTSD, I am in agreement that it probably has affected a good many of us to one degree or another. I’ve always had a fascination about penises ever since I can remember. Not necessarily about men, just about the penis. I don’t know how or why it started, but who knows if my circumcision has anything or all to do with that fascination. I think until this obsession with cutting baby dicks is completely eradicated from our society and (although unlikely), from the rest of the world, we will continue to experience many inexplainable societal woes not just in our country but in other parts of the planet where there is continual unrest, oppression, inequality, misogyny and violence. I’m not saying it’ll be a one stop ‘fix all’ solution, but I wonder how much of an impact it would have in combatting some of the above stated problematic issues.
                    It was earlier alluded that many non circumcising nations do not suffer these societal ills which seem to be so prevalent across those cultures which continue this barbaric practice. Some things to contemplate.
                    Tugger1

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