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I'm 28 now and have been restoring for 1.75 years with little visible results. I spent 1-2 months doing manual tugging. Then I did cross-taping for another 3 months before I got a TLC-X which I enjoy using much more. This product and community are some of my only hopes.
My dad made the decision to not have me cut at birth, I enjoyed a few years of the good life thanks to him. After he died when I was ~3.5 my mother made the decision to have it done anyways.
I didn't understand anything at the time. I used to feel a power deep in my heart - the power to get wet and feel this heaven of slippery surfaces sliding over each other. I relished in the power of my wetness. And then it got cut out of me. If any women read this - how would you feel if someone cut you so you could never get wet again? And what if nobody cared because everyone was like that? And nobody knew any better, so everyone loved it? I remember waking up from the anesthesia in the hospital, not even fully understanding what had just happened to me, and the first words out of my mouth were "I hate you." Then they laughed at how "cute" I was acting.
I had just started to learn to masturbate too. After that I never masturbated again until I was a sophomore in High School. I wanted nothing to do with my penis during that period. Jeans were all my mother bought me and they were so painful. I cried for days(/weeks?) trying to figure out how I was going to keep my glans wet and warm and protected again. I had to sit day after day watching my glans dry out, shrivel up, callous over, and feel it all go numb and dry. I wasn't me anymore. She forced me to be someone else that I didn't want to be. I can't claim to know what it feels like to be r*ped, but I felt something close.
I've never had it diagnosed but I believe I have PTSD from the event. For years afterward until I was 6-7 I had constant nightmares of my penis being cut in half by razor blades or other pieces of metal and pulled apart. I was afraid to fall asleep every night because I didn't want to feel my penis getting cut up in my dreams. I wanted to die as a 4 year old child.
A couple years ago I came to terms with what really happened, and I (speculated that I) had PTSD events. I called my recent ex (who is supportive of me now <3) at 6 AM screaming as hard as I could about how I needed my penis back or I was gonna die. She was annoyed at the hour and about how out of control I was. Then I went for a drive in the country pushing 80-100 down 55mph roads hoping a semi would slam into me or something else would kill me. During all of this I felt like a prisoner trapped in my own mind trapped inside a body I didn't want. I still feel this way in the background every day a little bit. I can't ignore it and I just want to be me again so badly. Every time I saw an intact penis online over the past year or so I felt my mind get cut open again wanted my penis back. But now when I see pics it doesn't hurt as bad. It still does, but its also kind of motivating.
To this day masturbating is a turn-off for me. I don't like the way my penis looks or feels. I remember what it feels like to masturbate with a whole penis, and I envision having it when I do it. I can't look at it while I'm doing it or it'll ruin the little lie I have going on in my mind.
There are many things in my life that have kept me in suicidal territory, but this is the oldest, deepest, most traumatic wound in my mind. Look at the most war-torn places in the world - the US, Middle East, and Southern Africa - where the mutilation rates are all above 75%. It's not an ignorable coincidence. This has to stop now.
Love to all of you beautiful people that care to read these things and that go out of your way to say something when you can <3
My dad made the decision to not have me cut at birth, I enjoyed a few years of the good life thanks to him. After he died when I was ~3.5 my mother made the decision to have it done anyways.
I didn't understand anything at the time. I used to feel a power deep in my heart - the power to get wet and feel this heaven of slippery surfaces sliding over each other. I relished in the power of my wetness. And then it got cut out of me. If any women read this - how would you feel if someone cut you so you could never get wet again? And what if nobody cared because everyone was like that? And nobody knew any better, so everyone loved it? I remember waking up from the anesthesia in the hospital, not even fully understanding what had just happened to me, and the first words out of my mouth were "I hate you." Then they laughed at how "cute" I was acting.
I had just started to learn to masturbate too. After that I never masturbated again until I was a sophomore in High School. I wanted nothing to do with my penis during that period. Jeans were all my mother bought me and they were so painful. I cried for days(/weeks?) trying to figure out how I was going to keep my glans wet and warm and protected again. I had to sit day after day watching my glans dry out, shrivel up, callous over, and feel it all go numb and dry. I wasn't me anymore. She forced me to be someone else that I didn't want to be. I can't claim to know what it feels like to be r*ped, but I felt something close.
I've never had it diagnosed but I believe I have PTSD from the event. For years afterward until I was 6-7 I had constant nightmares of my penis being cut in half by razor blades or other pieces of metal and pulled apart. I was afraid to fall asleep every night because I didn't want to feel my penis getting cut up in my dreams. I wanted to die as a 4 year old child.
A couple years ago I came to terms with what really happened, and I (speculated that I) had PTSD events. I called my recent ex (who is supportive of me now <3) at 6 AM screaming as hard as I could about how I needed my penis back or I was gonna die. She was annoyed at the hour and about how out of control I was. Then I went for a drive in the country pushing 80-100 down 55mph roads hoping a semi would slam into me or something else would kill me. During all of this I felt like a prisoner trapped in my own mind trapped inside a body I didn't want. I still feel this way in the background every day a little bit. I can't ignore it and I just want to be me again so badly. Every time I saw an intact penis online over the past year or so I felt my mind get cut open again wanted my penis back. But now when I see pics it doesn't hurt as bad. It still does, but its also kind of motivating.
To this day masturbating is a turn-off for me. I don't like the way my penis looks or feels. I remember what it feels like to masturbate with a whole penis, and I envision having it when I do it. I can't look at it while I'm doing it or it'll ruin the little lie I have going on in my mind.
There are many things in my life that have kept me in suicidal territory, but this is the oldest, deepest, most traumatic wound in my mind. Look at the most war-torn places in the world - the US, Middle East, and Southern Africa - where the mutilation rates are all above 75%. It's not an ignorable coincidence. This has to stop now.
Love to all of you beautiful people that care to read these things and that go out of your way to say something when you can <3
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