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I know I've been posting a lot lately. I want to move on.
I don't know why my circumcision is having this bad of an effect on me.
It's consuming me. I wish I could live obliviously or at peace with my circumcision. It's something that I think about often and I don't know what to do about it. I live in an area where the men are all uncircumcised. The men in my family are all uncircumcised, except for my father and I. I know this cause I was made fun of for it. I tried mentioning this to my parents once, in an attempt to maybe receive closure and move on, but I was dismissed by my father. My mother said she was sorry but that didn't help much. It did wonders for my self esteem when my parents waited for almost a year after my birth to get me circumcised because my penis was too small, even for a baby. I'm disappointed by them. For whatever reason they decided to cut me and yet within the year it took them of waiting for me to have a big enough penis to be circumcised, it must not have crossed their minds even once that maybe, just maybe it isn't a good idea to cut off a part of a baby's healthy, natural, and functioning sex organ. Hell, even at school when I was little my friends would tease me about it. I used to receive therapy for an unrelated reason, and when I brought up my circumcision the therapist just laughed as well.
I can't pee in public. I'll stand at the urinal for up to a minute sometimes before anything ever comes out. I feel inferior to other men, like I'm less than they are. Sometimes it just hits me that I'm likely the only circumcised man in the room. That never feels nice. Thinking about my circumcision can put me in a bad spot. Hell, I might even feel better if I was Jewish, because then at least I'd feel almost proud of the my circumcision. But there just seems to be no reason behind this.
I'm jealous of the men around me. I'm jealous of the feelings they can get when their skin tightens over their glans. I'm jealous of the sensations they have during sex. I can see it in the faces of the men I've dated. Sex just isn't as pleasurable for me as it seems to be for them. I can't get off from oral. It doesn't even feel that good, and if we're just at for too long I physically start to feel an uncomfortable. I know sex isn't everything, but I'm jealous of that. I feel like I was robbed of something. I want to be able to experience sex like they do. At the very least I want to genuinely be overcome with feeling so that my fucking boyfriend won't feel bad about not being able to make me orgasm half the time. My penis has feeling, don't get me wrong, it's just that the feeling isn't always pleasant. It just doesn't always feel as sexually pleasing.
I suppose I'm a victim. Not really a victim in the real sense of the word. I have a roof over my head and an education. I live in the first world. People die and kill each other every day over stupid things and for stupid reasons, and here I am, unable to get over my fucking circumcision. I'm obsessing over this and I don't know how to stop. I want to stop, so badly. Not a day goes by where I don't think about this. It consumes me. Late at night sometimes it'll be all I can think about for hours. I can't keep living like this. It isn't healthy. I can try to stop thinking about it or redirect my thoughts if they go in the wrong direction, but when the smallest thing can remind me of my circumcision, I just fall back even worse than before. I know I'm obsessing over this and I know it's starting to consume me. I could care less if I ever put the work in and end up with a restored foreskin, I just want to feel at peace with this. I want to do something about this instead of getting my hopes up like an idiot pulling the almost painfully tight skin on my dick with my hands and then ending up in the same sad place most nights of the week.
This is really the only place I have to express any of this.
I want to do something, whether it means restoring or just fucking accepting it and moving on, I want to do something.
I don't know why my circumcision is having this bad of an effect on me.
It's consuming me. I wish I could live obliviously or at peace with my circumcision. It's something that I think about often and I don't know what to do about it. I live in an area where the men are all uncircumcised. The men in my family are all uncircumcised, except for my father and I. I know this cause I was made fun of for it. I tried mentioning this to my parents once, in an attempt to maybe receive closure and move on, but I was dismissed by my father. My mother said she was sorry but that didn't help much. It did wonders for my self esteem when my parents waited for almost a year after my birth to get me circumcised because my penis was too small, even for a baby. I'm disappointed by them. For whatever reason they decided to cut me and yet within the year it took them of waiting for me to have a big enough penis to be circumcised, it must not have crossed their minds even once that maybe, just maybe it isn't a good idea to cut off a part of a baby's healthy, natural, and functioning sex organ. Hell, even at school when I was little my friends would tease me about it. I used to receive therapy for an unrelated reason, and when I brought up my circumcision the therapist just laughed as well.
I can't pee in public. I'll stand at the urinal for up to a minute sometimes before anything ever comes out. I feel inferior to other men, like I'm less than they are. Sometimes it just hits me that I'm likely the only circumcised man in the room. That never feels nice. Thinking about my circumcision can put me in a bad spot. Hell, I might even feel better if I was Jewish, because then at least I'd feel almost proud of the my circumcision. But there just seems to be no reason behind this.
I'm jealous of the men around me. I'm jealous of the feelings they can get when their skin tightens over their glans. I'm jealous of the sensations they have during sex. I can see it in the faces of the men I've dated. Sex just isn't as pleasurable for me as it seems to be for them. I can't get off from oral. It doesn't even feel that good, and if we're just at for too long I physically start to feel an uncomfortable. I know sex isn't everything, but I'm jealous of that. I feel like I was robbed of something. I want to be able to experience sex like they do. At the very least I want to genuinely be overcome with feeling so that my fucking boyfriend won't feel bad about not being able to make me orgasm half the time. My penis has feeling, don't get me wrong, it's just that the feeling isn't always pleasant. It just doesn't always feel as sexually pleasing.
I suppose I'm a victim. Not really a victim in the real sense of the word. I have a roof over my head and an education. I live in the first world. People die and kill each other every day over stupid things and for stupid reasons, and here I am, unable to get over my fucking circumcision. I'm obsessing over this and I don't know how to stop. I want to stop, so badly. Not a day goes by where I don't think about this. It consumes me. Late at night sometimes it'll be all I can think about for hours. I can't keep living like this. It isn't healthy. I can try to stop thinking about it or redirect my thoughts if they go in the wrong direction, but when the smallest thing can remind me of my circumcision, I just fall back even worse than before. I know I'm obsessing over this and I know it's starting to consume me. I could care less if I ever put the work in and end up with a restored foreskin, I just want to feel at peace with this. I want to do something about this instead of getting my hopes up like an idiot pulling the almost painfully tight skin on my dick with my hands and then ending up in the same sad place most nights of the week.
This is really the only place I have to express any of this.
I want to do something, whether it means restoring or just fucking accepting it and moving on, I want to do something.
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