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How things are changing while restoring

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  • #16
    My cone could make a good sex device. Pulling the foreskin over my half limp erection, and then using just the cone to hold that in position instead of tape, allows then for a full sexual experience, as the erection then increases with the cone on, the foreskin stays pulled half way over the head, and leaves enough room to ejaculate in that position. That way, the head can be flexed, flexed with full vigor, but it is still suppressed by the cone, and Therefore it stops any damage being done from tightness from flexing. It may have damaged my cone to do this, as it has fallen off sometimes since. So I’m not going to do it anymore. Unless I get a new cone. I consider the glans to be like the balls of the penis, like it draws in all the energy, like a battery that supplies the sexual energy to the penis. Because its power was always drained, my penis never had the ability to get hard enough to trigger overtly due to skin tightness pain . Otherwise I would have pieced together something was wrong with my penis sooner. Without knowing, I was blaming a million other things for my sexual frustration. And going on goose chases doing irrelevant things to fix it.

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    • #17
      I have been learning to grieve. I have been not allowing it until I have started to realize that some of the negative feelings I’ve been having, are not bad, and not to be denied or split off from and not felt, or corrected, but that they are good, and are helping me get over them and move on from them by allowing them. I have felt that I am tortured by not having the body part to express the arousal my mind feels , by being left with an itch I can’t scratch, by my phantom Foreskin arousal that haunts me. That somehow to communicate in a way that lets me understand and be understood by a hot babe is dependant on my having a foreskin , that without my having a foreskin, she can’t understand me, and I can’t understand her. Because I was shocked and given Stockholm syndrome by being circumcized, and my ability to feel pleasure is so drastically reduced than hers, that our experiences are too different, and we are alienated and estranged from each other too much to bridge the gap. I have felt defeated and very much like I am a piece of garbage . I have pitied myself very much.

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      • #18
        The new frem sensitivity allows for Orgasm with the feeling of ejaculating but without literally ejaculating, in a sustainable way, that the intensity is gradual and stable. It gives me hope that I can feel pleasure in harmony and unison with a partner , rather than watch them feel pleasure, while their pleasure grows and changes and increases, while my pleasure sits idle, and then when they climax, I suddenly jump start my pleasure to full intensity and have a quick orgasm too. But now my dial switch is being given to me, that I can gradually progress the intensity of the orgasm, which makes the sexual act fully gratifying and not boring the entire way through . This removes a shame and gives acknowledgment to a shame I’ve had around seemingly being indifferent during the sexual act, it has made me feel impotent . I have clear proof now that my non ejaculatory orgasms are getting longer, so the feeling of impotence is going away. Maybe the impotence I never knew I had, was why I was insecure about my penis size. Maybe hating on my penis size was false blame for actually being unable to have sex properly .

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Gundog View Post
          You need to give your skin time to recover, mitosis (growth) occurs when we are not tugging, mitosis does not occur when skin is under stress.
          I envision it more like cells are always dividing. To do so they must first knit together a copy of the cell nucleus from nutrients swimming by in the blood stream. Wearing tension gives the signal to divide, but being under tension restricts blood flow so nutrients arrive more slowly. This model is probably very crude, but our 2010 controlled trial experience showed that 25 guys averaging 11 hours per day overall under tension improved the forced erect reach of the skin tube by an average of 3mm per month.
          -Ron Low
          [email protected]
          847 414-1692 Chicago

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          • #20
            Ron, thanks.

            I want to ask, were the rigid band and frem the only sexual parts of my penis? I’m afraid to know a bit. I stopped researching what part does what a few weeks ago. I would think of what I was learning as if it was about someone else. I had an easy going non serious attitude about learning about what part does what. But then later in times of not feeling well emotionally, knowing about the damages to my penis , I would think about that a lot, and feel very sad and like a victim. So I’ve simply stopped learning about what does what. I have considered, maybe I should stop all sexual stimulation until I have finished restoring, so that way I’m not reminded by my erection needing to be suppressed each time that I’m limited. I can have non limited feeling erections by eating garbage and being so unhealthy that I don’t have enough vitality to have an erection strong enough to hurt from tightness , that Therefore feels unlimited, that I can flex my penis and not worry about getting too painfully erect. But to stay covered and refrain from sexual activity for a few days, and to eat healthy, and then have an erection, it is scary. Because the arousal comes in waves that can last like 5 seconds of causing the erection to harden up uncontrollably, causing a lot of pain.

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            • #21
              I’d bet being circumcized decreased my vitality vicariously by subconsciously making me stay a certain degree of non vital via lifestyle habits to not have raging erections ever. I think I knew based on the limited pain I felt that to be more healthy would mean more pain and therefore I stayed non healthy enough to remain incapable of getting a painful erection. Without ever knowing. It was like something that reduced me severely I suspect. I can’t be sure, it is only hypothetical. A lot of my suffering has been hypothetical, and it has felt half real, and half emo and goth and indulgent in pain. My truest grieving lasted a few seconds when I said “oh my god” when I looked at a frenulum in tact. Other grieving felt superfluous sometimes when I would think about it later, because I would consider, how could I call my grieving real, when I am grieving for the personality I lost? Like the personality I never had. I thought, what must the pain have done to my personality? I need to grieve the personality I lost, that I would have had, had that pain not happened to me. But that grieving seems false, because I am comparing myself to an imagined version of myself. I only know my self and my own experience. I’ve also wondered if I have been thinking being circumcized sucks and being restored is good so that I can give myself hope and something to get me excited to live for in an otherwise dull and boring life. And if that is the case I think it might be dangerous to put a lot of hope into restoring as if it is going to be the best thing ever once it is done.

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              • #22
                Another way that I grieved was around three months ago when I was first processing my grief and learning about circumcision, I felt very abandoned and betrayed and friendless. And I cried, and when I was crying, I broke my video game controller, and threw some apples at the wall, which is plaster and not dry wall, and smashed a chair that I like. I tried to smash my tv, an old tv , With my video game controller. I knew the tv wouldn’t break. Then later that night when the crying had calmed down, I still had an overwhelming feeling of betrayal and abandonment and fear. I was able to calm down and be with the feeling, without crying, and without thinking too much about it, but just feeling it. And as I allowed it more and more, at one point, while laying in bed, my leg started to shake, and then my other one, and I wondered if I was having a seizure. But I was able to stop my leg from shaking by using my mind, by sort of snapping out of my grieving, by snapping out of the feeling, I could stop my legs from shaking and make my body act normally, so I knew I wasn’t having a seizure, and it was safe for me to allow the feelings more, and let my legs shake, almost like they were twitching or spasming. My upper body shook somewhat too. It lasted a few minutes maybe, and during that time, my mind was calm, and I was just feeling so scared and upset, but not running from the feeling, not thinking scary thoughts either, my mind was so turned off. It was just a feeling of such emotional pain and fear and it was so horrible, but I needed to stay feeling it, because it was true, it was how I felt. I haven’t suffered like that since.

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                • #23
                  I slept 12 or so hours last night. Usually I get seven these days. I don’t like getting so little sleep but I have not been able to convince my mind that it is right to sleep so early at night and get so much rest. But last night I realized that sleep is very important for healing, and I forced myself to sleep or to keep trying to sleep and it took like three hours to fall asleep. I have slept about 10 or 12 hours a night for 2 weeks in a row recently and it was amazing. It is what I want as my normal. I have to miss out on so much video games to get an early night. The greed took me down the last time I made it normal to sleep so much, that by the time my bed time would arrive, I would be ready to fall asleep effortlessly. And then I stayed up to play video games, and the rhythm of my circadian changed and I got used to sleeping less again. It is a more buzzy sort of feeling to sleep less, It feels like drinking coffee or something to be underslept in a way. I tried last night to have a shaftscrotgasm but failed. Assuming the area beneath the scar line on the shaft is scrotum skin on the middle underside, I tried to stimulate just that part , there is erogonis sensitivity there, but if there was enough to have an orgasm from, by just stimulating that skin in a way that it doesn’t indirectly stimulate the skin above the scar line, I don’t know. The attempted shaftscrotgasm was stimulating enough to trigger an erection, and due to skin tightness , a mere erection can trigger ejaculation and orgasm . I almost suspect a true shaftscrotgasm could be done flaccid.

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                  • #24
                    I’m going to try to watch my dreams and watch my mind as the next step in my meditation journey. Today I spoke micro aggressively with people I love by accident at least once and it is reminding me that that probably wouldn’t have happened had I been more alert. I still had a wonderful day though. I was cold in bed uncovered and have noticed the more healed the glans, the more severe the reaction of being uncovered. I was shivering until I was covered. I wonder how much energy leaks out the glans when uncovered, like how metaphysical meditation Books talk of, of energy channels and currents of energy that run through the body, if that exists in some sense, I wonder that seemingly metaphysical energy would be lost by sheer exhaustion of the glans, always fighting with the air, trying to protect itself from the air. I’ve been taking care of my body extra well for the last week or so. Sipping a gallon of water a day most days, two litres at the minimum, with a bell on a timer to ring once per minute, so that I remember to take a sip of water each minute. It is helping the skin stay not dried out and seemingly it is helping the skin grow faster and more comfortably . I never had a problem with dryness but I noticed acute signs of it sometimes. The first step in my meditation was and is to watch my body, my breath, which is vipissana. Even being uncovered I’ve been able to have a good body buzz meditating that way, but covered makes it easier to feel like I’m circulating the energy in my body so that it accumulates, and there is more of a sensational feeling then to watch and meditate on.
                    Last edited by Zbubs; 02-23-2021, 01:03 AM.

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                    • #25
                      What a non ejaculatory orgasm feels like to me: firstly the energy increases by an abruptly felt amount, like 10 times the quantity of bodily energy can suddenly be felt, and it can flow upwards as if going up my spine and out my head, or it can flow down towards the ground, and out my penis seemingly as if there is an ejaculation happening as far as how it feels. It can be done in a way that there is no compulsion to ejaculate, it is not like edging. Whether the energy flows upwards or downwards is not very significant to me. I think the energy can not flow up or down too, but can instead swirl, or stay still, and regardless of what it does, the intensity of the energy keeps growing, and it never stops that I know of. It has always been too much for me at some point, and I don’t want to or can’t go further into it. I imagine the head is drawing in the energy for an orgasm, the frem rem is turning the energy into pleasure, and my body and mind are absorbing the energy and experiencing it. And my balance or meditativeness is how well I can absorb more and more energy in a way that is enjoyable and not overwhelming to me. It is like a responsibility to the pleasure to not be overwhelmed by it, in order for the pleasure to keep growing. I tried closing my right eye while having a sexual experience to supposedly turn off my left brain so that my mind would be right brained, and the effect was it made me think less , it disabled my mind a bit and I quite enjoyed that . The star of the non ejaculatory orgasm is the frem rem. Just by pinching it, and rolling it back and forth between the fingers, or by rubbing it, as if everywhere else on the penis is non erogonous, it generates its own orgasm that doesn’t trigger ejaculation. It doesn’t trigger a non voluntary flexing of the penis so easily as “jacking off” would.
                      Last edited by Zbubs; 02-25-2021, 08:25 PM.

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                      • #26
                        I’ve been so sexist against myself for being male without knowing. I thought because I was a boy, having my internal organ turned into an external organ wasn’t mutilation . I thought that Calling myself mutilated meant I was gaslighting true victims of mutilation. Then when I realized I have had my clit and my g spot, my “come here” spot, my sexual organs, my rigid band and frenulum , castrated off my penis, along with enough skin that without it I’m left stuck in a sodomy device basically, like a skin chastity cage, if that isn’t vulgar and horrifying enough to be called mutilation, then what is? If I change my gender in my mind to be female, and say I am a female living in a male body, does being circumcized count as mutilation then? Or if I have a sex change, can I have public support then that I was mutilated? If I have an innie and not an outtie, does it retroactively turn my original circumcision into mutilation? When signs say people of different sexual orientations are welcome, doesn’t that discriminate against people who have had their sexual organs castrated off their genitals? Wouldn’t someone who has been tied to a table and had fifteen minutes of genital torture never be able to love or trust people again, even if they have some sexual sensation left? Aren’t love and trust part of sexuality? And doesn’t being tied to a table and being circumcized remove the ability to love and trust? Isn’t post traumatic shock opposite to love and trust? How much can someone get out of that, how much can someone heal from that? I’m unsure if I’ve ever loved anyone, at least sometimes. I think signs that say gay and straight people are welcome should also say “people who have been forcibly sexually crippled who may not have a full enough experience of their sexuality to know their orientation are also welcome”.

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                        • #27
                          I’ve been happy I’m circumcized because if the people who circumcized me were the ones I was supposed to trust, then being circumcized interrupted my ability to learn trust, and therefore instead of trusting them I had to only trust myself, and that made me think for myself more. I think being less fortunate in the body area simply shunted my energy to my mind and made me more fantasy based, more interested in music maybe, more interested in art, and things that are cerebral. The best part of restoring is sexuality is becoming less cerebral. It is like there is a non linguistic dialogue that can happen between what is physically happening to my penis and my brain. Like I don’t need to impose a feeling onto my body by using my brain, by using a fantasy, there is less need for supplementing the experience with fantasy. Thoughts play a role during arousal but I’m not sure what role exactly. The pleasure itself is mind blowing enough to make whatever thoughts are happening irrelevant, and to not be so desperate for beautiful women, because it feels like i already have access to my own eternal fountain of unlimited pleasure, so what would I need to feel so much like I’m the benefactor for? Like I feel more worthy, like I can understand sexuality more, like forest grump when he runs for the first time, my skin chastity cage is losening up enough that I’m understanding sexuality in a new way. It is the same pleasure, but the quantity has increased enough that it is a quality change in a way. Pleasure is more relaxed and stable and intense , and it is making me more comfortable in day to day life because I’m not haunted by limitations so much. I’m not someone who walks around uptight, because I know what it means to have a good fuck.

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                          • #28
                            I’ve heard a joy of ejaculation and or orgasm is the indirect joy that it drains energy, and afterwords, having less energy, if there is a problem, it can’t be worried about anymore, because there isn’t the energy available to even worry. I think the joy of being uncovered works the same way, that in draining energy, it gives the appearance that problems aren’t there. And I think restoring is a mental game more than physical, because in feeling way more, there is more pain to be felt too, like feeling comes on a spectrum and being more sensitive means having to feel more emotions, and having to feel more is a fire test of botching the moment and acting a fool in the face of intense emotions, or handling myself rightly and having a good time. Restoring seems to be a really significant deal. I just realized recently even more than I did before how much I consider it significant to my emotions and dreams to restore. I have wondered if I have avoided sex because of being circumcized. To restore maximum fast would mean being maximum healthy, and being maximum healthy would mean being with too much energy than I would like to have, and I think I have felt guilt for not being at my maximum energy version of myself more often, and recently I have become more human and gentle on myself, and less viewing myself as an x man character or something, and have allowed myself to be more soft. Admitting my penis was crippled and is crippled has been a big shock to my ego. The joy of life is giving in a way, Like to cook a good meal and be admired for the skill and friendliness it took to cook the meal, everyone knows is a real treat, to be held in such high esteem by someone else. And to be circumcized is such a humiliation in that sense, to not be able to give someone a good time. It has taken my dignity on such a deep level. I’ve been so deeply humiliated, my personality has been so scarred because of it.

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