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  • #46
    My restoration has been taking a back seat sort of. I have been either tugging for an hour or five or ten all day, but often no tugging at all these days happens too. But I am covered almost all the time. I am making that my concern right now. I have lost my tlc tugger but I will find it soon. And I’ve been having enough success with the tlc x as is. I can ask for money to get stacker plates sooner but the only people that will give it to me is someone I have blamed for circumcising me , or someone else that I don’t want to explain to them why I need the money. But the person I blamed for circumcising me is my mom, and I was so angry. And now it doesn’t look right to go back and say I need money for penis skin regrowing equipment , because she will feel guilty I worry, or I will feel guilty, and I don’t want her too, and I don’t want to either. After I’m calmed down now, I realized I don’t want her to feel guilty or bad about herself, like how I seemingly wanted her to feel when I told her how much wrong with circumcising me there was. My way of apologizing was she later said, another day, “you were pretty angry”, and I said “ya”. I have wondered maybe I should apologize directly but I think she gets it. I was too coward to apologize directly so I instead thanked her for circumcising me months later after being angry at her, and thanking her was true enough. I said it made me smarter to be circumcized, because I’m smarter than everyone else in the family , so why would I be? The reason must be circumcision. It is the only difference. I said the proof I’m smartest is I’m the only one that knows relationships are nonsense, that people are made to eat fruit, and that muccoid plaque exists and has to be removed. I have thought the reason of being smartest in the family is being cut so tightly made me live in shock for most of my life, so when I was educated, all the dumb stuff I was taught didn’t ruin my intelligence, since being in shock made me barely present enough to absorb what was being taught to me. I have a genius uncircumcised friend who has said school ruined him, and I am not surprised. I told family “this singer sounds like he is a ci2” when a song came on the radio that the singer sounded like he was really pent up. They completely got it after I explained what a ci2 is. Everyone has been against circumcision I have talked to. Now that I’m learning that, or now that my Penis is more out of the bear trap than a few months ago, so that my attitude is more positive and loving , since the mind and body are together, i was thinking originally circumcision happens because people just don’t care basically, I stopped thinking that so much, I now think people care, but there is no voice for it, there is no where to speak about it, except for in the car when certain songs come on the radio to guess what cut they are.
    Last edited by Zbubs; 05-19-2021, 11:21 PM.

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    • #47
      I’ve forgiven a lot or all of my anger at myself for being angry at my mom and at family in general in some sense that I wanted to be more recognized for all the suffering I’ve been through on account of being circumcized. Like I have felt it isn’t fair that I’ve had the same rules of life to live by, but with a hardship of being circumcized. And nobody knows circumcision is bad so it is like I have an extra hard time and nobody even knows. I’ve wanted to say how strong I have to be to have made it out of being circumcized to a mental state of being okay and comfortable with myself. It took me like 30 years to love myself in a recognizable way that I could say “I love myself” and it wasn’t just words, but that I could feel it. I have forgiven myself for getting so angry, and thinking such ugly thoughts, about what sick intent people would have had to have let me be circumcised. I got angry at myself for having those thoughts, thoughts like “they circumcized me because they didn’t love me, they only believed they did it to help me, but hidden under their beliefs was their true motive, that they didn’t love me, and their beliefs of wanting to help me were just hypocrisies to cover up their guilt”. and for expressing my anger I was feeling like I had become a version of myself I hate . It made me feel jaded, and that To not be jaded, I should value more so the conscious intent people have, and don’t think they are lying jerks underneath their good intent, but instead trust that their intent is what it appears, that they wanted to help me, and were just knowing wrong things as far a circumcision is concerned and it doesn’t mean that secretly they didn’t love me that I was circumcized. I have looked at my situation, as if it was about someone else, and thought, shouldn’t I be angry suddenly realizing what’s been taken by circumcision? Or have the right to be angry? I heard saying sorry After offending someone double offends them because they aren’t allowed to be angry then. Because you’ve already said sorry, so if they are angry, it looks bad on them. So they have to repress their natural response . I was reminded that getting angry is a natural response and not to worry about it.
      Last edited by Zbubs; 05-19-2021, 10:56 PM.

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      • #48
        I switched back to the tlc tugger today after having a fremgasm for the first time in awhile. Maybe a week or more it has been since my last fremgasm. And I can’t forgive the air anymore touching the inner mucosal area and part of the glans, so I need to go back to the tlc tugger until I do my next upgrade of equipment. I think Ron told me a recommendation that I need to find in my email of what to get. normally don’t check my email or notifications because it stresses me out. So if you, whoever you are reading this, ever want me to respond to something fast, write me as a public post and I will respond immediately. My fremgasm today restored my faith in humanity, by giving me oxytocin or whatever the chemicals are that make me feel good. I had slipped back into a less good mindset for awhile on account of the mucosal area touching the air, it turned my penis to dust again slowly, and I got used to feeling bad again since I’ve lived my whole life uncovered and am used to feeling bad therefore, like it is Familiar and comforting to feel bad. But my fremgasm woke me out of that trance of feeling bad and reminded me that before I got my tlc x, I had been feeling really good, because of how much the glans and mucosal areas healed. I felt good wearing the tlc x too, more good, but a different kind of good. My fremgasm today was so good feeling, I thought why don’t I do this more often? It made ejaculating in a way, at least it made me think, is ejaculating pointless? I know ejaculating is a pleasurable part of sex, but does it raise the pleasure? Or only add an element t of relaxation? Can the same and or more good feelings be gotten without ejaculation? I had a fremgasm for maybe a minute , and I had no resistance to it. Fremgasms feel like going past the point of no return constantly in a way that doesn’t trigger ejaculation. It’s a paradoxical feeling.

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        • #49
          I got some kind of glue on my penis tonight and it stung so bad on the glans and skin for about ten minutes. I had super glue and some sort of “kept frozen while in storage” type of goop that melts at room temp leak onto my hands the other day, and had to scrub my hands with steel wool for awhile. I hope There wasn’t residue left that transferred to my penis somehow. But more likely , the culprit was the new medical tape I have been using. Which I won’t be using anymore. I felt distinctly happy all day when tugging again for the first time in a while with the tlc tugger, I felt like I had re won the lottery by remembering that my tugger is basically the blue light in the chest sternum area of the Ironman suit. It makes me feel so helpless how much it matters to be covered. Like it makes me realize I can’t be happy and cool and content in the moment unless I’m covered. The energy I feel emanating from my penis is immense, and it gives me the ability to enjoy the ceaseless chatter of friendship. It turns me into myself. And without it, it makes me not believe in spirituality and only believe in the body, if spirituality means mindfulness that is, because what good is my mindfulness if I can meditate all day but it doesn’t give me the warm safe feeling my fauxskin does? I feel safe when I am covered, and I have negative, panicky, catastrophizing thoughts and more importantly feelings when I am uncovered. I think it is safe to let it be normal to be happier and feel better as my normal, like to accept that it is who I am now to be feeling way better than I thought was sustainable before restoring. And to let my baseline feeling keep being better and more unknown like new higher levels of better . The danger has been when turning back, and getting locked in old mindsets that coincide with the uncovered state of mind. They are like labyrinths of hell I have gotten stuck on. I think most of my anger and negative emotions and suffering since Restoring has been on days when I’ve been uncovered.
          Last edited by Zbubs; 05-22-2021, 01:52 AM.

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          • #50
            I looked down at my uncovered penis in the shower and thought “yuck, what the fuck is that? Sick. I feel scared like I’m being attacked. I’m having a panic attack, I need to breathe”. And then , after about 2 seconds of a panic attack, maybe ten seconds at the most, i overrode those feelings with logic. That as stupid as it sounds, I feel stupid saying it in my mind, that I feel safe, because cool people are supposed to be dangerous I have heard maybe. But more so probably being uncovered makes me feel unsafe because it makes me feel as bad as I felt uncovered for my whole life, and it scares me . But I am not scared too because I know I never need to feel like that again. I have heard homeless people lose the money in 5 years if they win the lottery, and that people who get rich suddenly can be ego maniacs because they never stop flexing their money to themselves in their own mind even in private. It seems if people have more than they are used to, they go back to the level they are used to. I don’t worry I will have a hard time letting go of how it feels to be uncovered. But still the feeling has been emotionally uncomfortable when I’ve been uncovered for too long since restoring, it reminded me how much time I have wasted of my life not being able to communicate in the most important way as I was intended to by nature. It made me sick. The only way I could feel as crappy as I felt uncovered, now that I am restoring, is to eat so much grease that it turns my body to mush and dust in that way instead. But for that To never happen I have my diet support group, and the joy of fruit that I am having these days, minus the grocery store fruit, which sucks, because it isn’t picked when it is ripe, and even the fruit that ripens after it is picked, like bananas, and watermelon , isn’t sweet to me, and it hurts my teeth, because if it was incinerated, its ash would be acidic more than alkaline, but if the fruit was picked ripe, the ash wouldn’t be so acidic . So I think that’s why I have good feeling teeth eating ripely picked fruit from the market. But otherwise the fruit from the grocery store is wonderful as I am juicing it and have a straw to mitigate the teeth factor, and in spite of it being not good quality fruit, the variety is amazing, since I am used to eating only a few varieties of Fruit from the market. I get sentimental joy from eating grease but fruit is becoming the new food and weed combined for me. Like fruit gets me higher than weed, and so high that I fear I have to give up weed, because to be that high on fruit, plus smoke weed, the weed is more so just a disturbance, or at least the pattern so far has been more healthy I am, less weed I have to smoke, and more I don’t enjoy if I smoke too much or the same dose I am used to. And I’m learning to recreate sentimental joy greaseless too, to be happy with family, While they eat my favourite greasy foods, and I bring my apples along or juice. Or just have a bit of grease.

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            • #51
              I knew I was depressed at age 14. I got new shoes and they were exactly the ones I wanted. I had to argue and plead for them in a way, they were more expensive than normal. After I got them, normally would have been the best time ever. I would sleep in new shoes practically, and be very proud to show them off. When I got new shoes at 14, I took them out to the car , and waited in the car alone with them, and at that point I knew I was depressed, that the shoes didn’t make me happy, and that no shoes ever did for more than a little while. I thought at that moment, I’ve always been depressed, and I’m always going to be. It was the first time I considered myself depressed. Around 15 I found booze, loved it, thought “I’m healed”. Then in the next decade Or so, i found lust and drugs, and I medicated myself to some extent with those experiences, until finally I couldn’t maintain and burnt out in my late 20s. I was pressured into taking medication then. I didn’t like medication, it made me feel worse, but I had to take it because otherwise I would have been evicted, I felt too helpless it live on my own, and I felt bad all the time without or without meds, worse with meds, but still either way was lifeless, and depressed, so I couldn’t argue that I wasn’t depressed, and I did so much recreational drugs that I couldn’t argue I wasn’t unstable, and if I said the medication made me worse, because I was depressed and unstable, I wasn’t believed, and it was instead inferred that I was saying the medication made me worse because that was my sickness talking. The pressure to be happy and strong enough that nobody could pathologize me and pressure me into taking meds was strong, I had to not jack off, eat only rice, and beans, and lettuce, drink like a gallon of water a day, and I had to exercise sometimes , and then I was happy, and strong enough, coherent enough, and slowly, I stopped getting gaslit and bullied into medicating myself, because the exercise and healthier eating made me difficult to argue against if someone would try to tell me I’m sick, and more so it made me not sick to be healthy, and made me genuinely happy, so people didn’t try to impose their help on me for that reason too. But thinking back, I was depressed for so much of my life, and looking for far out drug and lust trips , because of circumcision . Someone said a comment to me today that I felt pathologized by, And after having a meltdown for about a minute, I felt a great sense of relief remembering the last 5 months of restoring, that I don’t need to jog 5km a day and do a handstand in a monk cave to feel normal anymore. I can enjoy getting new shoes, riding a bike, and just being a normal person so much easier than before restoring. I don’t feel sick anymore like it sucks to live in my body and I need vices to cope. Maybe I feel like that a bit but way incomparably less than before restoring.

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              • #52
                Here is how my relationships are changing since restoring. I am more patient talking to people at the level they are on, rather than impatiently trying to convert them to seeing or being on my level. I don’t care so much if they see things my way, I care more about being kind, and appreciating the friendship. more about enjoying their company , and I’m talking about family. I have no romantic relationships. Earlier I told my mom relationships are nonsense, and I was referring to romantic relationships, and since then I have retracted that statement. The extent of my relationships these days that are romantic, is I am learning how to flirt. It is so much fun. What I call flirting is regular conversation, but with enthusiasm for how hot the person is. I am saying things that are on my mind, talking to women that work at stores that I haven’t met, about whatever feels right in the moment, and sometimes, arousal happens on its own, like a surge of sexual energy flows through my penis, and my penis absorbs the energy and dissipates it back into my body. Flirting is like a language that has been invisible to me before restoring . Before restoring I could only have a few seconds here, a few seconds there, of flirting, before a fuse would blow in my penis or mind, that would disrupt my chi. And now I can have unbotched flirting Sessions more easily for longer durations of time, before it overloads my psyche and I have to excuse myself to process how reinvented I am. If I am overwhelmed and emotionally tune out, she feels that too, and it makes me think I should just let myself be overwhelmed by how new and different and maybe scary it is learning to flirt so that she can see my struggle, rather than numbing out to not struggle in front of her. At least then I haven’t broken her trust , that I haven’t abandoned her suddenly when my emotions got uncomfortable.

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                • #53
                  I felt embarrassed having my penis looked at for the first time in public that I I guessed the person was seeing the distinctness of the tugger, maybe the tension jiggliness of the strap, I thought oh shit, he’s going to think I have a boner, or worse he’s going to think I’m wearing a covert masterbation device and I’m a pervert. I Thought i should write “I wear a device to fix my broken penis, ask me what it is called” on my shirt with a stencil or something, and wear it the next time I go to that store. I have some acrylic paints for it, and a plain white t shirt . I considered I should wear two pairs of underwear or something. I have never had my penis in such good condition as it is now. I have never tugged so consistently with coverage like this . I have not been wanting to disturb my penis , so automatic no effort no fap has been happening , because I have been enjoying my penis buzz so much. It is like a force field or an electricity generator that the voltage is increasing . Or the amps or something. My penis is basically working the same as how it is described that an MDMA pill works, that there is euphoric warm energy being generated from my penis Head especially and foreskin too. And understanding sexual pleasure more in depth helps me transcend my ego. It makes me not want to show off so much . And not so self conscious . I’m less hypnotized by yoga pants , I can not be reduced so much to just my animal desires, I’m more beyond it, because I’ve had a more good and thorough taste of my sexuality now , so I’m not so desperate for sexuality, because I’ve integrated the added sexual benefits from restoring into my being somewhat . I can feel the same amount of lust and desire as I felt before restoring when I was more desperate, but now I’m not so acting a fool because of lust so much , not showing off because of it, or being self conscious because of it, because I also have an understanding that it’s no big deal , it’s just sexual ecstasy , it’s no big deal now to me anymore because I have more of it than I even appreciate and more of it that I do appreciate than ever before. When I had less access to my sexual pleasure , in a way I made a really big deal out of sexuality then as a compensation , wanting to be seen as being cool like a good dancer or wearing super gold stud earrings as a vicarious indication of sexual health, like a cry for help that I need to get laid or get laid better . Transcending my need for sex to some extent, like I transcended it maybe 10 percent, sometimes it feels like more and less percent, but overall more transcended feeling I am of lust , more it lets me feel more worthy and on the same level as women, it lets me stop putting them so much above me, and that helped me transcend my ego it feels like.

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                  • #54
                    I water fasted today, it was amazing, I drank enough, constantly all day. I have been scared to do it, because it turns me into a prick, and makes me lose so much weight that I am so weak . But today I used feeling good as a decider whether to keep going, and I felt good all day, so just kept fasting. I must have sipped and drank 4 or 6 litres. I acted normal today , like nobody knew I was only drinking water except by my telling them . I have been trying drinking juice to get healthier, and I have been doing that as a sub for water fasting, because drinking only water is too dangerous seemingly and drinking juice is as least more safe feeling. But water fasting feels better, way better, like thank god I figured it out that it’s what I’m supposed to do. It costs so much money to get it done with supervision, so I decided today that learning it on my own might be ok. Someone I love is prince. And I think he died of an overdose. And I think people eat their normal dose of cooked food after water fasts and get way sicker than they Expect, and sometimes even die maybe. I think if people like prince can be such amazing people and still lose sight of the power of their vices to shock and hurt their bodies, how might I hurt myself if I water fast for a good length of time, and then suddenly emotionally eat a greasy meal. I think I am more able to trust myself that I don’t need to worry about retoxing too quickly if it comes to that. The chi is built way up today from water fasting. It built up different than by drinking juice. One thing is similar, I sang extra good today, although I had mushrooms chocolate edibles too, in the morning before the water fast, I started the fast as a way of potentiating the trip, and then kept fasting because it felt amazing. I sang about as good today water fasting as I did awhile ago when I did a day of juice fasting, which on that day I drank two litres of celery/cucumber/lemon/ginger/cilantro/parsley juice and 3 litres of acidic fruit juices, a litre of orange, grapefruit, and pineapple. But today was way easier to get to the same level of lit, like my body didn’t feel so abruptly shocked as by the juices. I was out and about today with glow and charisma .

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                    • #55
                      I got complained about at a support group for talking in graphic detail about the difficulty of being circumcized . A few people complained about me and I wasn’t welcome back unless I ensured the facilitator I wouldnt talk like that again. There were signs on the wall saying people that gay and trans and bi are welcome, so I thought this place is bringing up sexuality, so I’ll talk about my grief being circumcized . After the group ended, The facilitator told me that going into graphic detail is against the rules. I was embarrassed of myself for getting triggered, and talking in a triggered state. I then thought after, when hearing a story of someone who would always get arrested every so many years for stealing a couch. His friends said why you steal couches. You have a couch. He said I have to go to jail to see my friends every so often. I felt that by getting complained about, It wasn’t intentional, But after the fact I realized the facilitator would have to probably tell their co workers about what happened, and that would spread the news more that circumcision sucks. I thought it’s good I got complained about. I was angry at those signs on the wall. I thought they mocked me. I am not so angry at them anymore, I think they are not truly what I was angry at. I blamed those signs wrong for my anger. What I was really angry at was that there wasn’t more signs saying “depressed? We can help, if you have a penis that was circumcized non consensually, your hormones or some checmials in your body might not be working properly, and we can help with physical therapy devices that make your brain work properly. And if you need therapy for the psychological aspects of being circumcized, we have support groups for you”
                      Last edited by Zbubs; 05-31-2021, 02:24 PM.

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                      • #56
                        I heard where they have cast systems to even step in the shadow of an untouchable person in the bottom of the cast system, your clothes then have to be burned. It reminds me of the cast system in North America that keeps people that have male body parts as just sub human , like they aren’t allowed to be acknowledged even that they’ve had their gentitals tortured. Like if I asked for help at any institution pretty much in North America as a genitally mutilated person, because they are primitive people with high IQs, they would say “wait that person looks like they have a penis, and a penis isn’t a body part, a penis is just a trout that needs to be filleted, it says so here in my science book, I have a good memory, I knew without even having to look in the appendix what page to jump to to prove it. this person needs to have their brain imbalance corrected, let’s not test their brain for imbalance, let’s infer by their belief that they’ve had their genitals tortured that their brain is imbalanced, because otherwise how could they believe something so insane that their penis isn’t a trout when it says so here in bold caps locks letters in my science book, lol like can you believe the narcissism and arrogance of some people? I paid eight thousand dollars for my school books in one year, and this person either has never been educated and has never read a damn school book in their whole life, or is acting like my school books are just a bunch of paper with primitive perverse scribblings of adult children. this person needs to be helped with heavy brain protective medications.” their iq is a measure of their political correctness, how traumatized they are, how disconnected they are from their own body, how far they’d be willing to go in the milgram experiment. There are people that are called knowing subversives in every sector, and those people are cool. But for the most part, I haven’t felt cared about by society or anyone. In school and college there were always profs and teachers I liked, but only like a handful. There are high iq people that are also intelligent but it is rare.

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                        • #57
                          I had my first non repressed gay fantasy. I have had countless gay fantasies but always added or had an element of women in them, seemingly due to sexual repression, that I was afraid it would make me gay to have a gay fantasy, so I would imagine that I was a woman, involved with whatever gay part of the fantasy was happening, or imagine a woman there, so that the fantasy was always not gay then in my mind. And I didn’t realize I was doing this, it was just something I didn’t normally, until Finally I thought of just a penis, and when it was done I realized I didn’t alter it like I normally do. And the fantasy felt way better, like not blocking it and changing it made it more enjoyable. I have had to learn the knack of not interfering with fantasies so that they are more in depth and realistic. It is like an altered trance state to be in a fantasy, like being in a lucid dream, being conscious while watching the unconscious mind do its own fantasy, because if I try to have a fantasy it doesn’t really work. I can’t force it. When I used to smoke a lot of weed I would get so high that I would look in the mirror and try to hallucinate someone else’s face where I could see my own normally, and once in awhile, for a split second, I could start to, and it would scare me, and I’d not do it anymore but would want to. It took a sort of will power concentration up to a certain point, and a sort of letting go and letting it happen on its own at a certain point. I am living in a different body than back then now, I never smoke that much, I am way healthier, my mind works differently. Now I can have fantasies more easily. And since restoring my minds ability to consciously choose to have fantasies has increased, my mind power has increased. Because there aren’t fuses blowing in my belly anymore so much, anxiety fuses that would normally blow in my penis or mind before restoring, also would blow in my belly, and I’d constantly have my mind interrupted , like the anxiety fuses blowing, in non woo woo terms, are instances of anxiety and tension, holding points of stored trauma, would flash with tension and uncomfortable feelings, for a second or two, and then because of those interruptions happening, my mind couldn’t work rightly. Now without those interruptions my mind isn’t more powerful, it just has the ability to be as powerful as it is more so than before restoring, because it is uninterrupted. What happens in place of anxiety fuses blowing now is the anxiety dissipates into my entire body . My entire body absorbs the energy all at once and it is not something that makes me look shaky and jolty , it instead just builds up a pressure. I think of the pressure like a good tension, like a tightening of piano wires, that starts to make noise and then I have to learn how to tune them, like I have to learn how to live with a bunch more energy.

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