Feeling "guilty" for not having to address Forced Genital Cutting with loved ones

[Studley]

10 years ago when my sister had her first child, I wasn't involved with Restoring but felt an obligation to speak up about circumcision if she were to have a boy, well she had a girl. Ok, bullet dodged.

Now, she is pregnant with her second child. Before we found out the sex of the baby to be born I was hoping for a girl so I wouldn't have to worry about how to bring it up, what her husband would say, (different fathers for each kid). Et cetera...

Then we found out it is going to be a girl, I felt relieved and simultaneously guilty. I know I had absolutely nothing to do with the sex of the still to be born child, but I guess I just felt guilty for not having to bring it up.

I still want to talk with her about it as the child has yet to be born and could be born male or inter-sex, but there seems to be less urgency to do so as the chances are slim that would happen.

I feel better just getting that out. Thank you.

[greg_b]

It can be very uncomfortable bringing the subject up and explaining. Glad posting helped you feel better.

Regards

[Rood]

Next time you are with your sister ... wait until things get warm, comfy non-judgmental and intimate and only then casually say ... "What would you have done had it been a boy." Whatever she says ..just let it pass. There's plenty of time to bring up the value of intactness, later, if she says they would have opted for a cut. And who knows. She may surprise you.

[deja_ale]

I recently went through a similar situation. I have two female cousins, both pregnant, one having a boy and the other not finding out the sex of the baby. I procrastinated for months having an internal debate on how to tell them about circumcision. I eventually sent them an email with links about circumcision myths, the elephant in the hospital video, and a link to the parent section of the CIRP website. They both responded within an hour and probably didn't even look at the links. Neither of them were planning on circumcision but had very different reactions to my email. One thanked me for the advice and that was that. The other thought it was really creepy that I cared about it at all and it was totally inappropriate for me to say something. Anyway just shows that everyone responds differently and although I thought it was an extreme reaction, I am happy I said something rather then regretting my silence.

Even if the conversation is awkward Studley, you will probably feel better in the end and have some closure if you get it over with rather then living with it in the back of your mind for years to come. Also, you have to consider that she probably knows people having children and she may decide to tell them about circumcision. If you never talk to her then she may never find out.

[Trey47]

My sister-in-laws second daughter is having a baby for the first time. It's a boy and they're planning on having it cut the day after it is born. I wanted to say something to them or at least e-mail them a link about how important the foreskin is, something to educate themselves about it. However my wife won't let me address the issue for fear of rocking the boat so to speak and creating hard feelings between ourselves and her sister and husband. How much they know about foreskin and circumcision I don't have a clue but they seem to have made up their mind already. Yes I feel really guilty for the boy being cut and my knowledge of the subject and not saying anything. I'm sure they would(her family) all think I should mind my own business.

[claybawl]

I was in a very similar situation as well. My sister and brother in law had their first child and it was a girl. Then the second one came and like you I was hoping it would be a girl too so I wouldn't have to worry about bringing it up. Well they found out it was going to be a boy, and I knew I had to talk to them about it. I wasn't sure what their stance on the matter was, but I had to find out. I sat down with my sister and just bluntly asked her if she was planning on having my new nephew cut. She said "Of course we are, why wouldn't we?" My heart instantly sank into my stomach. I raised an eyebrow at her and said why would you do that? Then proceeded to tell her all the harm circumcision causes and what a person like myself has to go through to restore just some of the things lost. She legitimately seemed like she wasn't going to go through with it after I was finished explaining everything to her. I thought I had actually convinced her that leaving him intact would be much better. Several days later, after she had time to talk to my brother in law about it, she spoke with me and said they decided they WERE going to have him cut. My heart sank again as I asked why?!? She simply said that's what they decided to do, and wouldn't give me anymore of a reason than that. I brought it up several more times before he was born, but she still wouldn't say anymore than that. I chose not to visit them in the hospital after he was born. I simply couldn't be around, knowing what they were planning to do to him. It makes me sick to this day, but I'm still glad I said something. I feel like I'd blame myself too much if I remained silent.

[V33S]

I am lucky in the sense that people seem to listen to me and I can easily persuade someone on things I am passionate about. I've already had this conversation with friends and family and will have the conversation again if/when they decide to have kids (I'm 24). If you're wondering how to approach the situation just be honest about it, every time I've started the conversation by saying, "Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something that is really important to me?" Most people are fairly receptive to at least hearing you out and if you explain to them why it's unfair to take that decision away from their child, and that they deserve to have an unaltered body as it's something that impacts them for the rest of their lives. People tend to be more receptive to the information compared to going into guns blazing shouting genital mutilation and child abuse. If you can present your case in a mature and educated manor while maintaining a calm composure, you would be very surprised how easily one can be persuaded when the cause is for the greater good of their children.

Oh, I should also add, it typically helps because in Ontario (maybe all of Canada), you need to pay to have someone cut your sons genitals. Ontario Health Insurance Plan (OHIP) doesn't cover this surgery as a necessary procedure like other common surgeries.